If my main parachute doesn't open and my reserve parachute doesn't open, how long till i hit the ground?
The rest of your life...
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How do you get a Michigan girl into an elevator?
Grease her hips, and throw in a Twinkie.
"Knock Knock?"
"Who's there?"
"Europe."
"Europe who?"
"No you're a poo."
Back in my day, we didn't watch TV while we ate dinner.
We actually talked to each other.
It was awful!
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Q. What is Snoop Dog's favorite weather?
A. Drizzle
I went down the local supermarket, I said, ''I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it'', he said, "Those are pickled onions'
Q: When does a person decide to become an accountant?
A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
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Q: How can you tell there's an afterlife for lawyers?
A: Because after they die, they lie still.
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Q: What do you call an Asian family tree?
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Have you heard of the new Obama happy meal at Mcdonalds?
It comes with a promise that you'll get a toy someday.
A grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea.
She pleads, "Please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back."
And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new.
She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!"