If my main parachute doesn't open and my reserve parachute doesn't open, how long till i hit the ground?
The rest of your life...
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I may look calm, but in my mind I have killed you three times already.
I can't tell if I'm depressed or just an adult.
Never make the same mistake twice.
There are so many new ones, try a different one each day.
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
Paddy got a job as a road line-painter.
He paints 5 miles on the first day, 2 miles on the second day and 1 on the third day.
"You get worse and worse every day!" yelled his boss.
"That is because the bucket gets further and further away every day." said Paddy.
Taylor swift: so he calls me up and he's all like "I still love you" and I'm like...
Wait, is this Connor, Patrick, Joe, Luca, Taylor, John, Cory, Toby, Jake, Garret, Eddie, or Harry?
What do women and pools have in common?
They both cost a lot of money to maintain for the little amount of time you're inside them.
I have a fear of speed bumps.
But I am slowly getting over it.
When a married man says "I'll think about it", what he really means is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet.
The FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. They point this thing at the windshield of the aircraft and shoot a dead chicken at about the speed the air-craft normally flies at it. If the windshield doesn't break, it's likely to survive a real collision with a bird during flight.
The British had recently built a new locomotive that could pull a train faster than any before it. They were not sure that its windshield was strong enough so they borrowed the testing device from the FAA, reset it to approximate the maximum speed of the locomotive, loaded in the dead chicken, and fired. The bird went through the windshield, broke the engineer's chair, and made a major dent in the back wall of the engine cab.
They were quite surprised with this result, so they asked the FAA to check the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA checked everything and suggested that they might want to repeat the test using a thawed chicken.