Whats six inches long, has a head on it and drives women wild ?
A fifty pound note !
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Everyone says the world would be better off if it was run by women.
Sure, maybe there wouldn't be violence and territorial conquests fueled by male testosterone.
But instead, we'd have a bunch of jealous countries that aren't talking to each other.
There was an ad in the newspaper:
An agriculturist looks for a woman with a tractor.
The photo of the tractor is required.
Churchill: Madam, would you sleep with me for £1 million?
Woman: Why Winston, yes I would.
Churchill: What about £10?
Woman: What sort of woman do you think I am?
Churchill: We have already established what sort of woman you are, now we are just negotiating the price.
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
An ugly, fat, bad woman with two kids enters Wal Mart, shouting angry at the kids with no reason.
The man at the reception says cheerfully to her: "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Cute kids! Are they twins?"
The horrible woman stopped shouting, just enough to say, "Hell, they’ re not twins… The older is 9 and the other is 7! Are you blind or just stupid?"
"No madam... I’m neither blind nor stupid... I just can’t get that there’s a man out there who had sex with you twice."
Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry.
By taking a few minutes each day for the week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared. And best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in the privacy of your own home.
Exercise #1: Freeze two metal bookends overnight.
Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room.
Press the bookends against one of your breasts.
Smash the bookends together as hard as you can.
Repeat with the other breast. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.
Exercise #2 Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box.
Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure.
Hold that position for five seconds.
Do this again in case the last time wasn't effective enough.
Then repeat with the other breast.
Exercise #3 Visit your garage at 3 a.m. when the temperature of the concrete floor is just perfect.
Take off all your warm clothes and lay comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car.
Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until the breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled.
Turn over and repeat for the other breast.
CONGRATULATIONS!
Now you are properly prepared for your mammogram.
If tinder has taught me one thing it's that there is an extraordinary amount of single girls named Shelby that love to ride horses
They say that if I don't support transgender rights I'm on the wrong side of history.
At least I'm on the right side of the firing squad.
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Knock knockrn
Who's there?
Woman who?
Wo-man you where so nice to let me tell you this joke
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Man.
Man who?
Man you where so nice to let me tell you this joke.
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