Q: How do you recycle a condom? A: Turn it inside out and shake the f**k out of it.
Three little old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a flasher came by in only an overcoat and opened it as wide as it could go. The first little old lady had a stroke, the second little old lady also had a stroke, but the third little old lady couldn't reach.
When you're neckin' with yer honey And your nose is kinda runny You might think it's funny... But it's not.
Little Red Riding Hood walks through the forest and sees a wolf hunched under a tree with its ears erect and its mouth stretched in a big grimace. She says to the wolf, "My, what big ears you have!" The wolf keeps grimacing. She says, "My, what big eyes you have!" The wolf grimaces even wider, baring his teeth. She says, "My, what big teeth you have!" The wolf finally snaps and says, "F**k off! I'm trying to take a dump."
Q: What do you get when you put Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Doughboy together? A: A redhead with a yeast infection.
"Where are you going to take Vampira on your date?" asked one vampire. "Oh, I thought we'd go to the movies, and then get a quick bite."
Q: What do the Starship Enterprise & toilet paper have in common? A: They both circle Uranus searching for Klingons.
What do you call an abortion in Czechslovakia? A cancelled Czech!
A drunk sitting at a bar observes a very snobby woman participating in a wine tasting contest. She was very good at identifying the wine. At the first taste she says: "Cabernet Sauvignon, 1998" and all the people were amazed. At the 2nd try she answers "Cabernet Sauvignon, 1953" and they were once again amazed. Then the drunk pisses in a glass and hands it to her. She tries it and says "Yak, this tastes like piss!" And the drunk says, "Yeah, but what year was I born?"
How did the live baby escape from a room filled with with zombie babies? He ate his way out.
Little Johnny comes home one day and says, "Mom! Little Mark next door has a penis like a peanut!" "What do you mean, Johnny? Is it shaped like a peanut?" "No," says Johnny. "It's salty."