Q: What do you call a prostitute with her hand down her skirt? A: Self-employed.
Q: What do you call a lesbian with a big tongue? A: Well hung.
Do you work at a cattery? Because I wanna be covered in pussy.
Two nuns are walking back to the convent at night when two men push them into a dark alley and start having sex with them. One nun says "God, forgive them for they know not what they are doing!" The second nun says "Speak for yours! Mine is a Master!"
A couple driving home hit and wounded a skunk on the road. The wife gets out and brings it back to the car. "We need to take it to a vet. Its shivering, it must be cold, what should I do?" she asks. Husband replies "Put it between your legs to keep it warm." "But it stinks!" she exclaims. "So hold its nose!"
A young punk gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multi-colored hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's wearing worn-out shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat that's directly across from an old man who glares at him for the next ten miles. Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man, "What are you looking at you old fart... didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?" Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah, back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore and screwed a parrot.... I thought maybe you were my son.''
One day President Trump's motorcade was heading to the Mexican border to see first hand progress on The Wall. All of a sudden a naked lone figure was seen bent over on the side of the road. Wanting to help the president ordered the motorcade to stop. He got out and approached the figure and suddenly realized it was Nancy Pelosi. She was naked with her wrists handcuffed to her ankles. The president said, "OMG Nancy what happened?" She cried out that she was kidnapped by a bunch of people wearing MAGA hats and left to die! The president said "Well I'm not going to let that happen" as he was unzipping his zipper. He yelled out to the motorcade "OK boys the line starts behind me"
Andy and Annie are watching one of those television preachers on TV one night. The preacher faces the camera, and announces, “My friends, I’d like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV & the other hand on the part of your body which ails you and I will heal you.” Annie has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the television, and her other hand on her stomach. Meanwhile, Andy approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and his other hand on his groin. With a frown Annie says, “Andy, he’s talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead.”
I bought a racehorse today, I called him My Face. I don't care if he doesn't win, I just want to hear a load of posh twats shouting, "Come on My Face."
Teacher: And therefore, sperm cells are made up of glucose. Student: So you're saying that sperm has sugar in it? Teacher: Technically. Yes. Student: But it doesn't even taste like that... Teacher: what? Student: what?
When the first legal brothel opened here in Brissy I got the OK from the missus to check it out and have myself a good time. I was in there like a flash and as I was the only client at that time I has my choice of the buffet on offer. I chose a gorgeous tall slim redhead but before moving off to the rooms she stated that she wont work with anyone unless they are 10 inches. Being a little embarrassed as you would be I asked her politely to sit back down. I mean after all, no matter how hot they were I wasn't about to cut 2 inches of my manhood for anyone...