Joke #7572

Do you know what would be sick? If you sat in Santa's lap and you felt him get a boner. Do you know what would be even worse? If he stood up and you were still sitting in his lap.

When you're neckin' with yer honey And your nose is kinda runny You might think it's funny... But it's not.

A man farts in bed next to his wife. His wife asks, "What in the world was that?" He replies, "Touchdown. I'm winning, seven nothing." She decides to get even, so she lets one loose. He yells at her, "What was that?" She replies, "Touchdown, tie score." He wants to get her back, but he tries so hard he sh*ts in bed. The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?" He replies, "Halftime, switch sides."

One night as a bartender is closing up his bar, he hears a knock at the back door. When he opens the door, there stands a bum who asks, "Can I have a toothpick?" The bartender gives him a toothpick and continues cleaning up his bar. Five minutes later, he hears another knock at the door. Again, there stands another bum who asks, "Can I have a toothpick?" The bartender gives him a toothpick and continues cleaning up the bar. Five minutes later, he hears another knock at the back door. This time, there's a bum asking for a straw. The owner gives him a straw, but finally asks what's going on out there. The bum replies, "Some lady threw up in the back, but all the good stuff is gone."

Q: What can popsicles do that men can't? A: Come in five flavors.

Q: What did Jeffrey Dahmer do after dumping his boyfriend? A: He wiped.

How is a soyburger like a dildo? They're both substitutes for meat.

I am a dog And you are a flower. I lift my leg up And give you a shower.

How did Captain Hook die? He wiped his bum with the wrong hand!

Did you hear about the man who took Viagra and a laxative at the same time? He didn't know if he was coming or going.

What's red and sits in a corner? A baby playing with a razor blade.