Do you know what would be sick?
If you sat in Santa's lap and you felt him get a boner.
Do you know what would be even worse?
If he stood up and you were still sitting in his lap.
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How do you make a woman scream twice in the bedroom?
Fuck her in the ass then wipe your dick on the curtains.
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One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock when he noticed that one of his cows was completely cross-eyed.
He called up a veterinarian friend of his who told him to bring in his cow.
The vet took one look at the cow, stuck a tube up the cow's butt, and blew into the tube until the cow's eyes straightened out.
The vet charged the farmer a hundred bucks, and the farmer went home happy.
About a week later, the cow's eyes were cross-eyed again, but this time the farmer figured he could probably take care of it himself.
So he called his hired hand over, and together they put a tube up the cow's butt.
The farmer put his lips to the tube and started to blow.
Strangely, nothing happened, so he asked his hired hand to give it a try.
The hired hand removed the tube, turned it around, put it in the cow's butt and started to blow.
"What are you doing?" asked the farmer, horrified.
"Well, I wasn't gonna use the side that YOU had put your lips on."
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Jeremy and Kris walk down the street and see a dog licking himself.
Jeremy says, "Man, I wish I could do that!"
Kris replies, "I think you'd have to pet him first."
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Q: What's the hardest thing about a sex change from a man to a woman?
A: Inserting the anchovies
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What does a blind, deaf, quadriplegic baby can get for Christmas ?
Cancer.
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A young priest is unhappy with how little money his congregation contributes every week to the collection plate.
So decides to try a new tack and hypnotize them, using Father Matthews' priceless pocket watch.
Thus hypnotized, they all give the five bucks he asked them too.
Pumped by his success, he ups the amount to $10 the next week.
Amazingly, everybody gives ten bucks each.
The week after that, he decides to up it to twenty bucks, but just as he's about to announce the amount, he drops the watch.
"S**t!" It took the workers two weeks to clean up the church.
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Q: Why doesn't Tigger have any friends?
A: He plays with Pooh.
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One day, a man was fishing on a dock across from a hotel in the country, when another man came and sat down.
By way of conversation, the man asked the other what he was doing there.
"I'm on a honeymoon."
"Oh. Shouldn't you be having sex with your wife?"
"Well, I would be. But she has a yeast infection."
"What about oral sex?"
"Gingivitis."
"Anal sex?"
"Diarrhea."
"Pardon my question, but why are you with her?"
"Well, I like fishing. And she's got worms."
A young man and a young woman were soon to be married, but they both had a problem they had never told anyone else about.
The man approached his father one day before the wedding and told him about his problem.
His feet REALLY stunk, even if he washed them constantly, he was worried that this would scare off his new bride, so he needed a solution, fast.
His father pondered the situation and finally told his son to wear socks constantly (even to bed) and always wash his feet whenever he got a chance.
The son thought about this and went along happy.
The same day the young lady approached her mother and told her about her problem.
Her morning breath was horrid.
Her mother reassured her and told her everyone had bad morning breath.
The young woman told her mother that this was not normal morning breath but easily the worst in the world.
The mother thinks about this and comes up with this bright idea.
She tells her daughter to get up earlier than everyone else and don't say a thing, go make breakfast and then brush her teeth while the others are eating.
The young woman thinks and then runs off to get ready for the wedding, happy.
The couple is married and they are happy, him with his perpetual socks and her with her morning silences.
One morning about 5:30 am the young man wakes up to find one sock missing.
He starts rustling around in the bed looking for it, which of course wakes up his wife, who without thinking asks what's wrong.
With a look of shock on his face the young man says, "OH MY GOD! You've swallowed my sock!"