Jeremy and Kris walk down the street and see a dog licking himself. Jeremy says, "Man, I wish I could do that!" Kris replies, "I think you'd have to pet him first."
A businessman returns from the far east. After a few days he notices stange growth on his penis. He sees several doctors. They all say: "You've been screwing around in the Far East, very common there, no cure. We'll have to cut it off." The man panics, but figures if it is common in the East they must know how to cure it. So he goes back and sees a doctor in Pakistan. The doctor examines him and says, "You've been fooling around in my country. This is a very common problem here. Did you see any other doctors?" The man replies, "Yes a few in the USA." The doctor says, "I bet they told you it had to be cut off." The man answers, "Yes!" The doctor smiles, nods, "That is not correct. It will fall off by itself."
Q: Why was the condom flying through the air? A: It got pissed off.
Q: Whats worse then finding a worm in your apple? A: Finding half a worm."
What is the definition of revenge? A baby with a dog in its mouth.
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are wandering through the desert, hungry and hallucinating, when they come upon a rotting, dead camel. "Well," said the Englishman, "I support the Liverpool football club, so I'll eat the liver." "I support the Hearts club," said the Scotsman, "so I'll eat the heart." "I support Arsenal," said the Irishman, "but I seem to have lost my appetite."
What's black, smells and has 17 tits? The bin bags outside the breast cancer ward.
What's the warmest organ in a dead woman's body? My dick.
What's grosser than gross? A bloody mary with curly, brittle hairs in it!
How do you unload a truck of zombie babies? With a pitchfork.
Diner: Watch out! Your thumbs in my soup! Waiter: Don't worry, Sir, it's not that hot!