Joke #6967

Jeremy and Kris walk down the street and see a dog licking himself. Jeremy says, "Man, I wish I could do that!" Kris replies, "I think you'd have to pet him first."

What did the mother vampire say to her daughter when she picked up a tampon? "Honey, no in-between meal snacks!"

Why did the zombie baby cross the road? He was stapled to the chicken.

Q: How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed? A: You wake up wet!

I got home to see my two months pregnant wife crouched in the bathroom crying. Her red, smudged eyes looked at me as she told me she'd lost the baby. I told the silly thing not to be so upset, I could clearly see it in the toilet.

An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and relieves himself on the woman's head. "Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper." "What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."

A businessman returns from the far east. After a few days he notices stange growth on his penis. He sees several doctors. They all say: "You've been screwing around in the Far East, very common there, no cure. We'll have to cut it off." The man panics, but figures if it is common in the East they must know how to cure it. So he goes back and sees a doctor in Pakistan. The doctor examines him and says, "You've been fooling around in my country. This is a very common problem here. Did you see any other doctors?" The man replies, "Yes a few in the USA." The doctor says, "I bet they told you it had to be cut off." The man answers, "Yes!" The doctor smiles, nods, "That is not correct. It will fall off by itself."

A newlywed couple arrives in their sumptuous honeymoon suite, and it turns out they are both virgins. Brought up the old traditional way, neither of them really knows how to have sex. So after about half a painful hour of abortive attempts to get it on, an idea occurs to the husband. "OK, honey," he says, "this is what we'll do. I'll go into the closet and you go into the bathroom. We'll both get undressed and turn off the lights in the bedroom. And then on the count of three we'll both rush out at each other and then it will just happen in the middle of the bedroom." The wife is a bit unsure about this, but since she doesn't have any better ideas she agrees. So, the husband goes into the closet and the wife goes into the bathroom and they both get undressed. The anticipation is driving the husband mad and as he takes off his clothes he gets an enormous erection. The wife turns off the lights and on the count of three they both rush into the bedroom towards each other. But since the room is dark the husband gets disoriented and runs by his wife — right into the dresser. He hits the dresser so hard that he passes out from the pain. The next thing he remembers is coming to in a hosital bed, with a doctor looking down at him. His throbbing dick is still so painful that he moans to the doctor, "Doc, doc, how bad is it?" "That's nothing, son. Wait till you see your wife! We still haven't gotten her off the doorknob."

What's small, and red, and full of holes? A baby on a bed of nails.

Q: What's the difference between an epyleptic oyster shucker and a prostitute with diahrrea? A: One shucks between fits.

Some advice for guys: When the red river's flowin', take the dirt road.