How do you make stew out of a leper? Put him in a Jacuzzi and turn it on full.
Q: What do you give an elephant with diarrhea? A: Lots of room.
What did Obi Wan say when Luke was constipated? "Use the F-O-R-C-E Luke!"
Q: What's the difference between your wife and your job? A: After 10 years the job still sucks.
If I wanted to hear from an a**hole I would fart.
I've accepted every email offer I've ever received. My penis is now 235 feet long.
A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porn film and it was due out in a month. A month later, the musician went to a porn theatre to see the adult movie. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row of the adult cinema, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise. The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M, bondage and even a dog. After a while watching the adult movie, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music." "Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."
A: What does 70-year-old p***y taste like? A: Depends.
There was a man who just got out of the army. He was really horny and only had $5, so he went to a whore house. He told the women, "Gimme anything you got." So then he is having sex with this women and says "Gosh, you're really rough inside." She says "Hold on" and she goes to the bathroom. 10 minutes later she comes back and they start to do it again. He says "Now you're really smooth. What happened?" She says, "I picked off all the scabs."
What's red and lies in all four corners of the room? A baby that's been playing with a chainsaw.
What do Mario LeMieux and Courtney Love have in common? They both shower after three periods!