Two brunettes and a blonde are attempting to fix a roof.
While they are on the roof, a herd of cattle run by and knock down the ladder and leave a big pile of poop behind.
The two brunettes decide to make the blonde check how deep the poop is so they can jump down.
So the blonde jumps down and yells, "It's only ankle deep."
So the two brunettes jump down and scream, "What are you talking about?! It's up to our heads!"
And the blonde replies, "Well, I jumped in head first."
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LaShaunda had just given birth to a daughter and discussed possible names with her hospital roommate, LaQoowanga.
LaShwanda mentioned a name she had heard in the doctor's office, "Vagina".
When the hospital personnel asked her what name to put on the birth certificate, LaShaunda said "Vagina". "You can't name your baby that!"
"Don't disrespect me! I be her mama.
I can names her anything I want."
When the hospital person tried to explained what the name meant, LaShaunda said, "No, No! that's a cootchie!"
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Two doctors opened an office in a small town.
They put up a sign reading: "Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."
The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to: "Hysterias and Posteriors."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
No go! Next they tried "Catatonics and Colonics" Thumbs down again.
Then came, "Manic-Depressives and Anal-Retentives."
But is was still not good! So they tried:
"Minds and Behinds"
"Analysis and Anal Cysts"
"Nuts and Butts"
"Freaks and Cheeks"
"Loons and Moons"
"Lost Souls and Ass Holes"
None worked.
Almost at their wits' end, the doctors finally came up with a title they thought might be accepted by the council:
"Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Odds and Ends."
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What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the water? Bob.
On the wall? Art.
On the floor? Matt.
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One roomate said to another, “Man, this morning I woke up with white crud around my mouth!”
The other roomate said, “Oh, that's my fault, I guess I missed!”
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What do you get when you eat a prune pizza?
Pizzeria!
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Why are contipated folks unkind and rude?
Cause they don't give a crap!
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Q: Why did the gay man get fired from his job at the sperm bank?
A: Drinking on the job.
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Q: What's brown and in the military?
A: Gomer's pile.
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Q: What's the hardest thing about a sex change from a man to a woman?
A: Inserting the anchovies
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To the tune of "Walking in a Winter Wonderland":
Dog tags ring, are you listening'?
In the lane, snow is glistening.
It's yellow, not white I've been there tonight,
Marking up my winter wonderland.
Smell that tree? That's my fragrance.
It's a sign for wandering vagrants;
"Avoid where I pee, it's my property.
Marked up as my winter wonderland."
In the meadow dad will build a snowman,
following the classical design.
Then I'll lift my leg and let it go, man,
So all the world will know it's mine-mine-mine!
Straight from me to the fence post,
flows my natural incense boast,
"Stay off of my turf, this small piece of earth,
I mark it as my winter wonderland."
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