A guy walks into a store.
He goes up to the clerk and holds up his hand.
In his hand he's holding a big pile of crap.
He looks at the clerk with the biggest expression of relief and says, "Whew, that was close. Look what I almost stepped in."
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A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
"Mommy" she said "Can we leave now?"
"No" her mother replied.
"Well, I think I have to throw up!"
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."
In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.
"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.
"Yes" the little girl replied.
"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy" the little girl replied, "They have a box next to the front door that says 'for the sick'."
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Why did God give women legs?
So they don't leave a trail like a slug.
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What's green and eats nuts?
Syphilis.
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Q: What did one butt cheek say to the other?
A: Together, we can stop this sh*t.
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Q: Why is it a bad idea for two butt cheeks to get married?
A: Because they part for every little shit.
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Q: What did the pedophile say when he was released from prison?
A: "I feel like a kid again."
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Q: What's the hardest thing about a sex change from a man to a woman?
A: Inserting the anchovies
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Q: What's the ultimate rejection?
A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
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I got home to see my two months pregnant wife crouched in the bathroom crying.
Her red, smudged eyes looked at me as she told me she'd lost the baby.
I told the silly thing not to be so upset, I could clearly see it in the toilet.
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If I wanted some comeback, I'd wipe it off your chin!
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