A guy walks into a store. He goes up to the clerk and holds up his hand. In his hand he's holding a big pile of crap. He looks at the clerk with the biggest expression of relief and says, "Whew, that was close. Look what I almost stepped in."
What did Obi Wan say when Luke was constipated? "Use the F-O-R-C-E Luke!"
Jim and Lena were driving around the countryside when they ran over a skunk. "We better take the skunk to the vet, Lena. Just put the skunk between your legs to keep it warm." "But, Jim, what about the smell?" "Don't worry, Lena. The skunk will get used to it."
Two cannibals are eating dinner and one says, "I hate my mother-in-law." The other replies, "Well, just eat your noodles, then."
Jeremy and Kris walk down the street and see a dog licking himself. Jeremy says, "Man, I wish I could do that!" Kris replies, "I think you'd have to pet him first."
How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from.
What is the differance between a dead baby and a VHS tape? The VHS tape don't stink when you leave it out in the sun.
Q: What do you call a Puerto Rican midget? A: A spec.
Q: What's the difference between a brown-noser and a sh*thead? A: Depth perception.
Q: How can you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose? A: Her ankles swell up when she farts.
How many dead babies does it take to make a bottle of baby oil? It depends on how hard you squeeze them.