If men got pregnant.... abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows. 
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What's the difference between a bachelor & a married man?
Bachelor comes home, see's what's in the fridge & goes to bed.
Married man comes home, see's what's in the bed & goes to the fridge.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
Vote:
Women prefer the simple things in life… like men.
Why do men want to vote for a female President?
Because we'd only have to pay her half as much.
How to Impress a Woman:
compliment her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
listen to her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her.
How to Impress a Man:
show up naked,
bring beer.
The bank manager was in the final stages of hiring a cashier and was down to two final applicants - one of which would get the job.
The first one interviewed was from a small college in upstate New York.
A nice young man, but a bit timid.
Then he called for the second man, "Jim Johnson!"
Up stepped a burley young man who seemed quite sure of himself.
"He looks like he can take care of any situation," thought the manager, and decided, there and then, to hire him.
He turned to the first applicant and told him he could go and they would let him know.
Turning to Johnson, he said, "Now Jim, I like the way you carry yourself that's an important asset for the job as cashier. However, you must be precise. I noticed you did not fill out the place on the application where we asked your formal education."
Jim looked a little confused so the manager said, "Where did you get your financial education?"
"Oh," replied Jim " at Yale."
"That's very good, excellent. You're hired! Now that you're working for us, what do you prefer to be called?"
Jim answered "I don't care. Yimi or Mr. Yonson."
A classic Tommy Cooper gag "I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?"
He said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "I can't make Tuesdays", was fifth.
A man visits his doctor with celery stalks stuck in each ear and a carrot stick up each nostril.
He mumbles, "Doc, I'm just not feeling well."
The doctor replies, "Maybe you're not eating right."
How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken and the ones that are left are handicapped.
Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash.
Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill.
"Here’s that $20 I owe you," he says.