A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom." The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him. The man asks, "Is it serious, doctor?" The doctor replies, "I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg."
A man walks into a bar and says "Ow!" A second man walks into the same bar. You would think after the first one hit it, the second one would have seen it coming.
Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn't hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It's Irv. "So there is an afterlife! What's it like?" Sid asks. "Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex. Take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep, and wake up the next day." "Oh, my God," says Sid "So that's what heaven is like?" "Oh no," says Irv. "I'm not in heaven. I'm a bear in Yellowstone Park."
Why do women make better soldiers? Because they can bleed for a week and not die.
Why do men like smart women? Opposites attract.
Men are like Bluetooth. When they’re close they’re connected, when they move further they start looking for new equipment.
How do you know if your man is dead? The sex is the same, but there's less ironing.
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.
Three men were at a bar discussing coincidences. The first man said, "My wife was reading A Tale of Two Cities and she gave birth to twins." "That’s funny," the second man remarked, "My wife was reading The Three Musketeers and she gave birth to triplets." The third man shouted, "Oh my, I have to rush home!" When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, "When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves!"
What should you give a man who has everything? A. A woman to show him how to work it. B. Penicillin.
What is the thinnest book in the world? "What men know about women."