A man jumps off a building at the same time that another man pisses.
Which hits the ground first?
The piss, because nobody beats the Wiz!
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Q: What does it look like when you microwave a baby?
A: I don't know, I close my eyes when I masturbate.
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"If we don't change the direction we're going, we're likely to end up at the wrong end."
"People who go out of their way to help others have great taste."
"An eye for an eye leaves everybody blind, but not hungry."
"Don't give up though the pace seems slow, you may succeed at another morgue."
"A journey of a hundred trillion cells begins with a single nibble."
"The only difference between a big shot and a little shot is that the big shot takes longer to chew."
"It's all right to have little butterflies in your stomach. In fact, I'd say a trip to the elementary school play is a wonderful idea."
"You don't know what your appetite can get away with until you try. Or are tried."
"If you carry your childhood with you, you should probably go the bathroom soon."
"Never keep up with Joneses. Have them over for dinner."
"Let your hook always be cast. In the pool where you least expect it, will be a very startled swimmer."
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Q: What can popsicles do that men can't?
A: Come in five flavors.
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Q: What has two legs and bleeds?
A: Half a cat.
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Q: Why does a dog lick himself?
A: He can't make a fist.
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Q: How do you eat a frog?
A: You put one leg behind each ear.
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One night as a bartender is closing up his bar, he hears a knock at the back door.
When he opens the door, there stands a bum who asks, "Can I have a toothpick?"
The bartender gives him a toothpick and continues cleaning up his bar.
Five minutes later, he hears another knock at the door.
Again, there stands another bum who asks, "Can I have a toothpick?"
The bartender gives him a toothpick and continues cleaning up the bar.
Five minutes later, he hears another knock at the back door.
This time, there's a bum asking for a straw.
The owner gives him a straw, but finally asks what's going on out there.
The bum replies, "Some lady threw up in the back, but all the good stuff is gone."
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How do you unload a truck of zombie babies?
With a pitchfork.
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My mother in law's farts are so horrible that I can rent her to governments for using instead of chemical weapons for destroying their enemies!
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What’s harder to do than nailing a baby to a tree?
Nailing it to a dead puppy.
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