A man jumps off a building at the same time that another man pisses.
Which hits the ground first?
The piss, because nobody beats the Wiz!
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What do you call an abortion in Czechslovakia?
A cancelled Czech!
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Q: Did you hear about the redneck who was shooting craps?
A: He blew a hole in the toilet.
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A drunk guy is sitting at a bar by himself one night and throws up all over the front of his shirt.
"Oh great, my wife is going to kill me," he mumbles to himself.
The guy sitting next to him sees what has happened and leans over towards him, "Hey buddy, just put a twenty dollar bill in your shirt pocket and when you get home tell your wife the guy sitting next to you threw up on you and he gave you $20 to get your shirt cleaned."
Completely inebriated the drunk man thanks his new friend and puts a twenty in his shirt pocket and heads for home.
As soon as he walks through the front door his wife becomes irate and starts yelling at him, "Where have you been? you're completely drunk and you're a mess. Look at yourself, you puked all over the front of your shirt."
Completely wasted and slurring his words he explains to the wife, "No no, the guy sitting next to me threw up on my shirt and he gave me $20 to get it cleaned. Look, it's right here in my shirt pocket."
The wife reaches into his pocket and pulls out the money, "There's $40 in here."
"Oh yeah, he shit in my pants too."
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Q: How do you know that a dead body found by the side of the road is a nurse?
A: Because its stomach is empty, its bladder is full, and its ass chewed!
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Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats.
Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
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Q: What is the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer?
A: The taste
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What’s harder to do than nailing a baby to a tree?
Nailing it to a dead puppy.
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Q: What's worse then finding 10 zombie babies in a garbage can?
A: Finding one zombie baby in 10 garbage cans.
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On a senior citizens bus tour, while the passengers were unloading to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in the driver's ear.
She said, "Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!"
The driver didn't think much of her complaint, but promised he would check into it soon.
Later, that same day, as the passengers were unloading again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear, "Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!"
This time, he figured he'd better look into it.
A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question them, to find out if they knew what was going on.
He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor beneath the seats and stooped down to question him.
"Excuse me sir, could I help you?"
The elderly man looked up and said, "Well, sonny you sure can. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it..."
The man continued, "I thought I'd located it twice, but they were parted in the middle, and mine is parted on the side!"
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A young man and a young woman were soon to be married, but they both had a problem they had never told anyone else about.
The man approached his father one day before the wedding and told him about his problem.
His feet REALLY stunk, even if he washed them constantly, he was worried that this would scare off his new bride, so he needed a solution, fast.
His father pondered the situation and finally told his son to wear socks constantly (even to bed) and always wash his feet whenever he got a chance.
The son thought about this and went along happy.
The same day the young lady approached her mother and told her about her problem.
Her morning breath was horrid.
Her mother reassured her and told her everyone had bad morning breath.
The young woman told her mother that this was not normal morning breath but easily the worst in the world.
The mother thinks about this and comes up with this bright idea.
She tells her daughter to get up earlier than everyone else and don't say a thing, go make breakfast and then brush her teeth while the others are eating.
The young woman thinks and then runs off to get ready for the wedding, happy.
The couple is married and they are happy, him with his perpetual socks and her with her morning silences.
One morning about 5:30 am the young man wakes up to find one sock missing.
He starts rustling around in the bed looking for it, which of course wakes up his wife, who without thinking asks what's wrong.
With a look of shock on his face the young man says, "OH MY GOD! You've swallowed my sock!"