One man says, "I can't believe they are still together after all that crap."
The other man says, "Who?"
The first man says, "Your butt cheeks."
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A drunk sitting at a bar observes a very snobby woman participating in a wine tasting contest.
She was very good at identifying the wine.
At the first taste she says: "Cabernet Sauvignon, 1998" and all the people were amazed.
At the 2nd try she answers "Cabernet Sauvignon, 1953" and they were once again amazed.
Then the drunk pisses in a glass and hands it to her.
She tries it and says "Yak, this tastes like piss!"
And the drunk says, "Yeah, but what year was I born?"
Little cowboy runs into a Bar shouting angerly "WHO's the lousy varmint that painted my horse green?"
A big cowboy sidles up to him and says "I DID.. want to complain to me?"
"No," says the little guy "just wanted you to know that the first coat is dry!"
Q: What's red, sits in front of a mirror, and gets smaller and smaller?
A: A vain idiot combing his hair with a potato peeler.
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If there are two people in an elevator and one of them farts everybody knows who did it.
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What's green and eats nuts?
Syphilis.
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After losing his fortune, a Texas oilman decided to spend his last twenty bucks at a whorehouse.
He entered and promptly went up to the Madam and asked her what he could get for $20.
The Madam gave him a lengthy stare and told him to go upstairs, last door on the left.
He proceeded to march up the stairs and entered the room.
To his shock and pleasure he saw a beautiful blonde waiting naked on the bed.
So he tore off his clothes and jumped on and started pumping away for dear life.
Upon orgasm he noticed that stuff started oozing out of her eyeballs.
He runs down to the Madam to report this and she looks at him turns around and yells, "Hey Charlie....... The dead one's full again!"
Why did the semen cross the road?
Because I wore the wrong sock today.
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Q: What's the difference between a brown-noser and a sh*thead?
A: Depth perception.
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What's grosser than gross?
Two Siamese twins connected at the tongue.
What's even grosser than that?
When one of them throws up.
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Q: Did you hear about the annoying midget who went to a nudist colony?
A: He kept getting in everyone's hair.
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