Q: Hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
A: It's called Sosumi.
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An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
“All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards.”
Q: What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?
A: The accountant knows he's boring.
Vote:
A lawyer buys a farm as a weekend retreat.
While walking round his new property he looks down and sees that his feet are in the middle of a huge cowpat.
The lawyer starts yelling, ‘Oh my God!
Help me, help me!’
His wife runs up and asks what’s the matter.
The lawyer points to his feet and screams, ‘I’m melting!
I’m melting…!’
The judge:
Why did you shoot the rabbit without being a member of the hunters association?
The inculpated:
Why did the rabbit eat cabbage from my garden, without being a family member?
Q: What happens when you give Viagra to lawyers?
A: They grow taller!
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office.
Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck.
The lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other?
They are seperated by a big chain-link fence.
Well, one day hell was having a big party and it got a little out of hand.
God heard the ruckus and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers.
He called the devil over and said “Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence.”
Satan agreed.
The next day God noticed that the devil had completely rebuilt the fence…but it was 2 feet further into heaven than before.
“Satan!” beckoned God.
“You have to take that fence down and put it back where it belongs!”
“Yeah? What if I don’t?” replied the devil.
“I’ll sue you if I have to,” answered God.
“Sure,” laughed Satan. “Where are you going to find a lawyer?”
The attorney tells the accused, "I have some good news and some bad news."
"What's the bad news?" asks the accused.
"The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it."
"What's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is 130."
Vote:
Q: How many lawyers does it take to plaster a wall?
A: It depends how hard you throw them.