Lawyer was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense.
"You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?"
The client replied that he did.
The lawyer then asked, "Do you know what will happen if you don't tell the truth?"
The client looked back and said, "I imagine that our side will win." 
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A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Canada and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Alberta. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.' The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?" The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.
He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
A lawyer's car stalled on the side of the freeway.
As he was getting out to see what was the matter, a reckless driver swerved taking off the whole car door and knocking the lawyer to the ground.
A passing police car pulled over.
As the policeman got out he heard the lawyer shouting, 'my mercedes, my brand new mercedes!"
As the policeman approached he was shocked to notice the lawyer's right arm missing.
''Do you realize your arm is gone?'' asked the policeman?
The lawyer, stunned, began to scream,
"My rolex, my brand new rolex!"
A: What's the difference between a lawyer and an undertaker?
B: A Lawyer doesn't mind getting his hands dirty while burying his victims.
Noticing a mistake in St. Peter's roster, God calls Satan; "It seems you accidentally received some of my professionals down there: a teacher, a doctor and a farmer."
"Yeah," Satan replies. "All the more for me!"
God replies, "You better send them up here immediately."
Satan says, "No way. I'm keeping them."
God says, "Send them up here, or I'll sue the horns right off you."
Satan laughs uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.
Q: Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?
A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room...
A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor.
He asked, "Give it to me straight. How long have I got?"
The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night.
The man then said, "Call for my lawyer."
When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other.
The man then laid back and closed his eyes.
When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind.
The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side.
I just thought I'd check out the same way."
A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"
"Guilty", said the man in the dock.
At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!"
The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise.
The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead"?
"Guilty", said the man in the dock.
Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, "You dirty rotten stinking rat"!!
At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, "I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court.
I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?"
He replied "He is my next door neighbor".
The Judge replied, "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments".
The man replied "NO, your Honor, you don't understand.
Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have one"!!!