Joke #3921

Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers? New Jersey got to pick first.
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A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner the price. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and an extra thousand dollars more for the story behind it." "You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but, I'll take the rat." The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars....following him. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes racing to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with with one arm, while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can throw it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Ah sir, you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner. "No," says the tourist, "I was just hoping you had a bronze sculpture of a lawyer!"
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A man walked into a curio store and was looking around. After awhile, he chose a brass rat and brought it up to the counter. The proprietor said, that will be $10 for the brass rat and $1,000 for the story behind it. The man said, 'Thanks, but I'll just pay the $10 and pass on the story.' He purchased the brass rat and left the store. As he was walking down the street, he started noticing all sorts of rats following him. The further he walked -- the more rats followed. He walked down to the wharf and still more rats came out and followed him. So, he decided to walk out into the water, which he did -- and all the rats drowned. He returned to the store where he purchased the brass rat, and when he walked in, the proprietor said, 'Ah ha! You came back to pay the $1,000 for the story, right?' 'Nope,' replied the man, 'Just came back to see if you have any brass lawyers!'
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Two attorneys were walking out of a bar and a beautiful young lady walks by. One attorney turns to his associate and comments "Boy, I would like to fuck her! The other attorney thinks for a second and said "Out of what"?
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For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
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How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope.
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"Your Honor, it was an accident! I had to run into the fence to keep from hitting the cow!" "Was it a Jersey cow?" "I don't know, I didn't see her license plate!"
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A truck driver amused himself by running over lawyers as they walked down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him. There would be a loud "thud", and then he would swerve back on the road.  As the truck driver drove along one day, he saw a priest hitch hiking, he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?" The priest said he was on his way to his church up the road.  "I'll give you a lift." The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. At the last minute, he remembered he had a priest in the truck and swerved back onto the road. Even though he knew he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "thud." Unsure of where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors. When he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father. I almost hit a lawyer." The priest replied, "That's OK, I got him with the door."
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How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.
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What’s a foot long, transparent and lies in the gutter. A lawyer once the crap’s been kicked out of him.
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Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
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