A bunch of new recruits are making their first parachute jump. The sergeant gives instructions: "After you jump out of the plane, count slowly to 10. Your parachute will automatically open. If it doesn't, pull the emergency cord. When you get to the drop zone, there'll be trucks waiting to take you back to the base. Move out!" As scared as they are, they all make it out the door. The last recruit jumps out and slowly counts to 10 -- nothing. He frantically fumbles around and finds the emergency handle. He jerks on the cord, and it comes off in his hand. Raising his head to the heavens, he screams, "I bet them trucks ain't waiting either!!"
What's the difference between a dead baby and a table? You can't fuck a table.
My aunt died, God bless her, at a ripe old age of 104. We called her Aunt Tique.
Hey dad, how do you feel about abortion? "Ask your sister" "I don't have a..."
Two cannibals are enjoying a Thanksgiving dinner and a light conversation about all things family. "I just can't stand my mother-in-law," sighs one. "That's quite understandable," nods the other one, "why don't you just have the potatoes with the gravy?"
Q: What was Hitler's favorite toy as a kid? A: An Easy-Bake Oven.
Smith was hit by a car, died, and went to heaven. And everyone who goes to heaven has to work. God went up to Smith, and said: Smith, you are going to make babies. Here is this wheel, and every time you turn it, a baby will come out. For hours, Smith spun the wheel at full speed, then he started to get tired. As he was slowing down, a black baby came out...and Smith said: **** I better hurry because they are burning."
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine. I guess that was why several of us died of tuberculosis.
How can you help a starving cannibal? Give him a helping hand.
Q: What do you call the ashes of a white person in a jar? A: A jar of mayonnaise.
What would it take to reunite the Beatles? Two more bullets.