Two best friends are lying on the beach and discussing:
"Last night I saw a terrible nightmare…"
"What did you see?"
"I saw my mother-in-law swimming in the sea and being chase by a shark…"
"Wow horror!"
"Horror?! You say nothing! She almost got away!"
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Use to be we had Bob Hope, Johnny Cash, and Steven Jobs.
Now we have no hope, no cash, and no jobs.
Please do not die Kevin Bacon.
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Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog, Skipper, had recently died.
"You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad.
Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."
Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"
Why do cannibals make suitcases out of people's heads?
Because they're headcases.
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A Jew, a German and an American walked into a small room. The Jew never came out.
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Question: What should a man do if his wife runs into the room during a baseball match and keeps disturbing you?
Answer: Shorten the chain.
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I was a little taken aback when I got my receipt from the funeral parlor, on the bottom of the receipt, after the bill, it read, "Thank you. Please come again."
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A priests asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?"
"Yes," replies the murderer. "Can you please hold my hand?"
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Q: What did one casket say to the sick casket?
A: Is that you coughin'?
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Mummy, mummy, why is daddy swaying in the backyard?
Shut up, and give me more bullets.
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What's funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clown costume!
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