Q: How did the butcher introduce his wife?
A: Meet Patty.
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Like changing coins - I always desired to change my 60 old years wife to three 20 years girls!
The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on stage in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leaned towards Mrs. Pelosi and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!"
Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!"
So the Pope slapped her.
I went to the psychiatrist, and he says "You're crazy."
I tell him I want a second opinion.
He says, "Okay, you're ugly too!"
You know you're ugly when you get handed the camera every time they make a group photo.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.
I can't put it down.
What does a British potato say when it thinks something is wonderful?
It's mashing!
Every night I play a game called "Should I pee or can I hold it till morning".
A patient comes to a doctor, who asks him:
- Do you smoke?
- No.
- Do you drink?
- No.
- Do you eat fast food?
- No.
- Don't worry, I'll find something anyways...
This man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend.
The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."
The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue.
Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church.
The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?"
The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees."
The priest said, "And that's when you swore."
The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree."
The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?"
The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away."
The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?"
The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole."
The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the f...ing putt!"