A magician had landed a comfortable job on a cruise ship.
His act was rendered hilarious by his parrot who would ridicule the magician after every trick, saying "Big deal, the cards up his sleeve." or "He put the ball in a hidden floor, the big faker!"
One night the ship began to sink and while confusion reigned, the magician was just barely able to get to a tiny life boat with his beloved parrot.
For two days the magician and parrot floated on the rough seas.
Strangely, the parrot sat on the opposite end of the craft just staring at the magician.
Finally, on the fourth day, the parrot screamed ‘"kay, I give up… where the hell did you put the god damned boat!"
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Why was the man sued by his horse?
For palomino-money!
How did that bullfight come out?
Oh, it was a toss-up.
Q. How do rednecks have safe sex?
A. They mark the sheep that kick!
A waitress walks up to a man to take his order.
"I'd like to get the turtle soup, please."
The waitress walks off to go get his order, but the man changes his mind and decides he wants the pea soup instead.
"Hold the turtle, make it pea!"
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What do you get if you cross an eel with a shopper?
A slippery customer.
Two deer walk out of a gay bar, one turns to the other and says, "I can't believe I blew twenty bucks in there..."
A bumble bee was chasing a rabbit.
Finally the bee turned around and flew away.
Why?
The rabbit had two b's already.
How could the dolphin afford to buy a house?
He prawned everything.
Q: What did the emu say to the nurse?
A: Mend her bones or walk the plank
A rich 40 year-old American woman decided to get married, but she wanted her husband to be a virgin and to never had been with a woman all of his life.
After some years of pointless searching, she didn’t found anyone with this description and forced to give an ad to the paper.
A month later, she met with an Australian man who had never been with a woman before in his life and she married him immediately.
On the first night of their wedding and before they lay down, she went for a quick fresh up and then went back to the bedroom, happy.
When she entered the room she stood steal...
She saw her husband naked to the center of the room and all the furniture on the corner of the room.
"But.. What happened?" asked the woman obviously shocked.
"Look.. I’ve never been with a woman, but if it’s the same as with the kangaroo, then I’ll need the whole room to catch you!"