how do you keep a black person out of your backyard?
Hang one in the front.
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A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where mother superior was taking a shower.
"There is a blind man to see you," she says. "Well, if he is a blind man, than it does not matter if I’m in the shower. Send him in."
The blind man walks into the bathroom, and mother superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them. She goes on and on and 10 minutes later the man interrupts: "That’s nice and all, ma’am, but you can put your clothes on now. Where do you want me to put these blinds."
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A cab driver reaches the pearly gates. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book and tells him to pick up a gold staff and a silk robe and proceed into Heaven.
Next in line is a preacher. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book, furrows his brow and says, "OK, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."
The preacher is shocked and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie!"
St. Peter responds matter-of-factly, "This is Heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."
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Lifting weights have really helped me with the ladies - the last five I raped didn't stand a chance.
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Q: What's the difference between Santa Claus and Jews?
A: Santa comes down the chimney.
Why did the little girl fall off of her bike?
Because she didn't have any arms.
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An Arabic kid joined my football team.
All he did was blow the plays.
Patient: "Doctor, my son has swallowed a pen. What can I do?"
Doctor: "Use a pencil till I come to see your son."
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Why didn't the cannibal eat Mike Tyson?
He thought he would give him a paunch!
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What do you call of 6 year old with no friends?
A Sandy Hook survivor.
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