"Knock Knock?" "Who's there?" "Europe." "Europe who?" "No you're a poo."
Man returning with his wife from guests. Drunk man drives car better than his sober wife. But there is only one problem, how to explain that to the policeman?
Q: What is the worst thing an emergency doctor can tell you after admitting your MIL? A: Sir, we were able to save her!
Life is like a box of chocolate. It doesn't last long for fat people.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
Q: Why are farmers cooler than Hipsters? A: Farmers can go a day without their Pitchfork
How do elves greet each other? "Small world, isn't it?"
There's an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris... Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first.
My wife found a porn magazine in our son's room the other day. She showed it to me, and it was BDSM. She asked me "What we should do?" Me: "Probably not spank him." She belted me with the magazine. Now I know where he gets it from.
Define "Egghead": What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.
‘Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, “So, what did you think?”’ Steven Wright