Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said someone may steal from it at night; so they created a night watchman, GS-4 position and hired a person for the job. Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning position and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, GS-12 and one person to do time studies, GS-1. Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Q. C. position and hired two people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports. Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, GS-09, and a payroll officer, GS-11, and hired two people. Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative position and hired three people, an Admin. Officer GM-13, Assistant Admin. Officer GS-12, and a Legal Secretary GS-08. Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $280,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost." So they laid off the night watchman.
How many Mafia hitmen does it take to light the bonfire? Three, One to set fire to the effigy, one to watch his back, and one to shoot any witnesses.
I am often asked, "Is google a man or a women?" My simple answer is: It's a woman because it won't let you finish your sentence without making a suggestion.
A zebra has wondered his whole life whether he was a white zebra with black stripes or a black zebra with white stripes. When he dies and goes to heaven he asks God the question "Am I a white zebra with black stripes or a black zebra with white stripes?" God responds, "You are what you are" The zebra goes to his friends and tells them what God had said and that he still doesn't know the answer to his question. One of his friends says, "Well, that means you are a white zebra with black stripes" The zebra asks him why and the friend says, "Because otherwise God would have said 'You is what you is'"
Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
Two guys show up in Heaven at the same time. The first guy says he froze to death, and the second guy tells him that he died of a heart attack. "How did that happen?" asks the first guy. "Well, I came home and thought I heard my wife with another man. But when I searched the house, I couldn't find anybody. I was so stricken with remorse for wrongly accusing my wife of infidelity, I had a heart attack and died on the spot." "Geez," says the first guy. "If you'd opened the fridge, we'd both be alive right now."
Practical thought: A husband is supposed to make his wife's panties wet, not her eyes. A wife is supposed to make her husband's dick hard, not his life...
Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.
Q: Whats the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan? A: Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke!
Now, that's gotta be a hell of a thing to go to jail for cable. You in there with mass murderers and everybody. "What you in here for?" "I killed six people. What you in here for?" "Comedy Central."
Define "Egghead": What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.