Joke #9442

Sometimes, during the movie previews, I'll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, "We should really go see that together."

On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

"What are you doing there?" "I'm making something." "What are you making?" "A bomb." "Can I help?" "Impossible. It's a nuclear one..."

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the Pearly Gates, petted her on the head and said, "You have been a good cat for these 40 years. Anything that you want is yours for the asking." The cat thought for a minute and replied, "All my life I have lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on." God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge, fluffy pillow. A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident, and they all went to heaven together. God met them at the gates of Heaven with the same offer He made to the cat. The mice said, "Well, all our lives we've had to run from dogs, cats and even people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller skates, we'd never have to run again." God said, "It is done!" All the mice had beautiful little roller skates. About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How you been doing? Are you happy?" The cat replied, "Oh, I've never been so happy in my life! My pillow is so fluffy, and those little meals-on-wheels you've been sending over here are delicious!"

Man: When I bend my arm like this it hurts? Doctor: Well, stop doing it!

A preacher's wife goes to the butcher. The butcher asks if she'd like to try some damn ham. The preacher's wife is shocked. The butcher explains that "Dam Ham" is the brand name of the meat and shows her the packaging with the beaver and dam logo. That night, the preacher asks, "What's for dinner?" His wife says she bought some damn ham from the butcher. The preacher scolds his wife for using such language in their home. She explains the "Dam Ham brand name and their logo. At the dinner table, the preacher asks his 16-year-old son to pass him the "Dam Ham." The son replies, "I'll pass the damn ham if you pass me the muthaf**kin' mashed potatoes."

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

There are two types of people in the world... people that suck, and Chuck Norris.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

My son asked me today, "Dad, what music did you like growing up?" "Led Zeppelin," I replied. "Who?" he said. "Yeah, I liked them too."