Q: Why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend on the wall? A: To see her crack.
Use to be we had Bob Hope, Johnny Cash, and Steven Jobs. Now we have no hope, no cash, and no jobs. Please do not die Kevin Bacon.
The cannibal priest told his flock to close their eyes and say grace. "For whosoever we are about to eat, may the Lord make us truly thankful."
I got in trouble during high school for masturbating in the showers. Apparently it completely ruined the trip to Auschwitz.
What's funnier than cancer? Most things, really.
Me: "Here comes the airplane!" Baby: Opens mouth. Me: "OH NO! It's the Taliban!" Hits baby in the forehead with the spoon. "KA-BOOM"
What is the difference between turkey and mother-in-law? There is no difference: both are the best when they are cold on the table.
Why did Beyonce sing 'to the left', 'to the left'? Because black people have no rights...
A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''
When you were in the gang then, you just had to look cool, just walk around and look like you were tough. Someone started talking about fighting -- 'No, man, I've got to go home.'
Why did Beyonce sing 'to the left', 'to the left'? - Because black people have no rights..