Q: Why did the boy fall off the swing? A: He didn't have any arms.
What rule could stop HIV in Africa? Sex after dinner only.
Q: What happened to the entertainer who did a show for the cannibals? A: He went down really well!
I got in trouble during high school for masturbating in the showers. Apparently it completely ruined the trip to Auschwitz.
"If I could be someone for one day I would be Justin Beiber and run off a cliff"
Peter called his doctor’s office for an appointment. "I’m sorry," said the receptionist, “we can’t fit you in for at least two weeks." "But I could be dead by then!" "No problem. If your wife lets us know, we’ll cancel the appointment."
Two bums are sitting talking. The first one starts bragging, "Today was the best day ever! This morning I found a brand new pack of smokes just sitting on the ground. So you know what I did? I sat and smoked every fucking one of them... had the best day ever." The second bum just laughs, "That's nothing, today I was walking along the rail road tracks and I found this girl laying on the tracks. You know what I did? I fucked her all day long." The other bum interrupts, "Bull! You didn't do it all day long did you?", the other continues, "Well, no but it was for at least a few good hours, best day of my life." The first bums asks, "So did she give you a good blowjob?" The other replies no. "How could you possibly be getting busy with this girl for hours, and she doesn't even give you a blow job?" To which the other replies, "How could she? She didn't have a head!"
How do you know when a baby is a dead baby? The dog plays with it more.
A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where mother superior was taking a shower. "There is a blind man to see you," she says. "Well, if he is a blind man, than it does not matter if I’m in the shower. Send him in." The blind man walks into the bathroom, and mother superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them. She goes on and on and 10 minutes later the man interrupts: "That’s nice and all, ma’am, but you can put your clothes on now. Where do you want me to put these blinds."
Q: Why do German shower heads have 11 holes? A: Jews have 10 fingers.
Q: How many dead babies does it take to shingle a roof? A: Depends on how thin you slice them.