Q: Why do female skydivers wear jock straps?
A: So they don't whistle on the way down.
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Three women are discussing their teenage daughters.
The first declares: “I was so shocked last week. I was tidying my daughter”s room and I found a packet of cigarettes under her pillow. I didn’t even know that she smoked!”
“It gets worse than that,” says the second mother. “I was tidying my daughter”s room last week and I found a bottle of vodka under her bed. I didn’t even know that she drank!”
“Oh, it gets even worse than that,” says the third mother. “I was tidying my daughter”s room last week and you”ll never guess what I found in her bedside cabinet: a packet of condoms! I didn’t even know that she had a penis!”
Women are like telephones.
They love to be held.
They love to be talked to.
But, if you press the wrong button, you're disconnected.
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted excitedly, "Honey, pack your bags.
I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God!
What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said, "Just get out."
Q: What do you call a women who does as much work as a man?
A: A lazy b*tch.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.
B. Penicillin.
A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.
She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"
The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"
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Q: What do women and cats have in common?
A: Pussy farts.
Q: Do you know what 69 is?
A: It's a good thing screwed up by a period.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.