What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast? They're hiring.
A senior Catholic Priest in Kenya was dying in a hospital and for his death wish he asked to see the local MP and the county Governor. Within hours, the two arrived. He asked them to sit on either side of the bed. The priest held their hands and kept quiet. The politicians were so touched and at the same time felt very important for being summoned by a senior and well respected priest in his dying moment. Out of anxiety, the Governor asked, 'But why did ask for me and Mheshimiwa?' The priest gathered all his strength and held their hands even tighter. Then with his eyes still closed, he mumbled 'Jesus died between two thieves. My only wish is to die the same way.' Minutes later as the silence enveloped the hospital room, the priest took his last breath.
Waiter, what is this stuff? That's bean salad sir. I know what it's been, but what is it now?
I weighed myself today. It is clear I am too small for my weight.
I want me a big black girl...the type of woman that sits in the car and it looks like it's got tinted windows.
Songs are not going to make us do anything we would not ordinarily do. Because if that was the case, the song "Achy Breaky Heart" would have made me kill somebody about a year ago.
A single woman who retired just a few months back walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch in her neighborhood. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise." "That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?' "Twenty-six," he said.
Yes, money cannot buy happiness, but it is much more comfortable to cry in a new BMW than on a bike.
I've recently got a stalker. He's everywhere all the time. And his thing is that he sends other people to profess his love for me. So I can be walking down the street and all of a sudden a lady will appear screaming: "JESUS LOVES YOU."
When do cannibals cook you? On Fried-days.