What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast? They're hiring.
I'm going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates. Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be." The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."
J: What did Miley Cyrus eat for Thanksgiving day? A: TWERKY!
Going to war without the French is like going hunting without your accordion.
Son - "Dad whats the difference between confident and confidential?" Dad - "Hmm. You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."
Which runs faster, hot or cold? Hot. Everyone can catch cold.
Chuck Norris doesn't buy life insurance, life buys Chuck insurance.
Customer: Give me a hot dog. Waiter: With pleasure. Customer: No, with mustard.
Birthdays are good for your health. Studies have shown that people who have more birthdays live longer.
Wearing a turtleneck shirt is like being strangled by a really weak person all day.