Joke #5794

Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

Yo mama's feet are so ashy, it looks like she kicks flour for a living.

Doctor: "And how is it going with your old ailment, Mr Smith?" Patient: "Very well, I've been divorced for half a year now."

There's an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris... Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first.

A guy drives on the highway and sees a sign that says, "Mississippi State Whorehouse 10 miles." He decides to stop in. A madam answers the door, and the man requests a whore. The madam says, "I'll need $500 first." The man pays, then asks about his whore again. The madam says "Wait for 15 minutes in that hallway. Go straight, left, straight, right, and then go through the door at the end of the hall." He follows the directions, walks out the door and finds himself in the parking lot. His car has a sign on it that says, "Congrats! You've just been screwed by the state of Mississippi!"

Originally it was called 'Chuck Norris Mode' but he decided to let god have that one because Chuck Norris is humble like that.

The government shutdown has officially lasted longer than any of Taylor Swift's relationships.

A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly. The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France." The new man asked, "What happened?" "One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"

First Michael Jackson and now Neil Armstrong... God is clearly no fan of moonwalkers.

Women are looking for Mr. Right. Men are looking for Ms. Right Now.

What do mopeds and fat ladies have in common? They're both a great ride until someone sees you on one.