A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning.
The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his "pain."
"Please allow me to help, I am a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!"
She told him earnestly.
"ohh No, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
The woman takes it upon herself to begin to "ease his pain".
She began to massage his groin.
After a few moments she asked, "does that feel better?"
The man looked up at her and replied, "yes, that feels pretty good ... but my thumb still hurts like hell!"
Two old women were talking about their sex lives.
Ethel was upset because her sex life had really died, while Mildred said her sex life was great.
Mildred counseled Ethel, "When my Sammy is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lie on the bed, and put both legs behind my head.
When he sees me like that, he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night."
Ethel said, "I'm going to try that tonight."
While Ethel's husband Harold was in the bathroom that night, she took off all her clothes.
She struggled to get both legs behind her head.
After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel fell backwards and couldn't move.
Harold came out of the bathroom with a shocked look on his face.
"For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in. You look like an a**hole."
On a crowded bus, an old lady noticed that a man had his eyes closed.
"What's the matter? Are you sick?" she asked.
"No, I'm okay. It's just that I hate to see old ladies standing."
When Adam asked Eve out for dinner she replied: "Oh I'd love to, but I haven't a thing to wear."
Which Women's Day gift would you like? To determine your personality, pick the gift you'd most like to receive!
1. Candy
2. Flowers
3. A sweet poem
4. Dinner/Dancing
5. Waffle iron
1. CANDY
It means that... You are a sweet person who enjoys traditional gifts and hopefully likes to share.
OR... You're a selfish chocoholic who values a sugar high over everything, even true love.
2. FLOWERS
It means that... You love the beauty of nature, the scent of flowers and appreciate this timeless romantic gesture.
OR... You get some twisted joy out of watching vegetation wither and die.
3. A SWEET POEM
It means that... You're a hopeless romantic, a cultured person who recognizes the power and beauty of the written word.
OR... You're used to cheap gifts and like to pass yourself off as a cultured person who recognizes the power and beauty of the written word.
4. DINNER/DANCING
It means that... You enjoy the company of that special someone and the romantic setting of fine cuisine and candlelight.
OR... You're easy to please and probably willing to sell your body for food and a few quick turns around the dance floor.
5. WAFFLE IRON
It means that... You're a practical person who believes in gifts that you can actually use.
OR... You have absolutely no idea of what gift-giving is all about and probably have some sort of deviant fetish involving kitchen appliances.
A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy her cigarettes.
He walks there only to find it closed.
So, he goes into a nearby bar to use their vending machine.
At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.
They have a couple of beers and eventually end up in her apartment.
After they've had some fun, he realizes it's 3 a.m. and says, "My wife's going to kill me. Do you have any talcum powder?"
The woman gives him some talcum powder, which he rubs on his hands and then goes home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and screeches, "Where the hell have you been?!"
"Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there, we had a few drinks, one thing led to another, and I ended up in bed with her."
"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"
She sees his hands are covered with powder and says, "You liar! You went bowling again!"
Question: What should a man do if his wife runs into the room during a baseball match and keeps disturbing you?
Answer: Shorten the chain.
Vote:
Yesterday, government scientists suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each.
It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.
The waitress asked how I would like my coffee.
I told her: "like my woman - hot and black".
Vote:
How can you tell a sumo wrestler from a feminist?
A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.