A teacher comes to the home of one naughty kid:
"Is your mom at home?"
"Nope, she's not here", says the naughty kid, quite scared.
"And your father?"
"No, he has hidden away as well..."
I can't wait for the day when I can drink wine with my kids instead of because of them.
Yo mamas so ugly, she scares blind kids away.
When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through."
When Chuck Norris was a kid he didn't play with Lincoln Logs, he built real houses.
Vote:
Q: What does Superman, Batman, and Ironman have in common?
A: When they were kids they wanted to be Chuck Norris
Vote:
When Chuck Norris wants to burn calories, he throws fat kids into a camp fire.
Vote:
Little Johnny and Mary were standing at the beach in their bathing suits.
Johnny says to Mary, hey you show me yours and I'll show you mine.
Mary says ok, and drops her bathing suit the same time as Johnie.
He look and gasps you don't got one of these, but Mary laughs and says Yea, but with one of these I can get as many of those I want.
Vote:
One day this little girl’s dad came home and she runs up to him.
“Daddy, the cat died today!”
“Well, darling,” said the dad. “That’s just something that happens.”
“But why are his arms and legs up in the air?”
“Well, darling, that’s just something they do.”
She takes the death fairly well and doesn’t mention it until a few days later.
When the dad comes home, she runs up to him.
“Daddy, Daddy, Mommy almost died today!”
“What are you talking about?”
“I came downstairs and I heard her screaming ’Oh Jesus, take me, take me!’ And she had her arms and legs up in the air and if it hadn’t been for the mailman trying to revive her she would have died.”
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.