The best jokes about life

Two statues, male and female, faced each other in the city park for many years. An angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire." The statues came to life and smiled at each other. They ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?" The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?" Giggling, the female statue said, "Sure, but this time, you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!"
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has 81.53 % from 188 votes. More jokes about: animal, couple, disgusting, life, time
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap. He was high on my list of priorities.
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has 81.40 % from 37 votes. More jokes about: friendship, life
Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? A: You can unscrew a light bulb.
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has 81.39 % from 105 votes. More jokes about: life, light bulb, women
Q: What did the pencil say to the sharpener? A: Stop going in circles and get to the point.
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has 81.23 % from 51 votes. More jokes about: communication, life
I was in Venice Beach in January and there was a homeless man with a sign that said "1 dollar for dirty joke." Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar. Homeless man: "Alright sir whats your name?" Me: "John" Homeless man: "So Johny, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have." Me: "Two?" Homeless man: "Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?" Me: "Two?" Homeless man: "Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?" Me: "Two?" Homeless man: "Right again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs are on that white cat?" Me: "I don't know? A lot?" Homeless man: "Well Johny, why do you know so much about black cock and not enough about white pussy."
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has 81.15 % from 356 votes. More jokes about: animal, dirty, life, money
I'm sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew it.
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has 81.04 % from 177 votes. More jokes about: life
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replies in a letter: "Dear wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money." A week or so later, he receives another letter from his wife. "Dear husband, you wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house and dug up the back garden." The prisoner writes back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."
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has 81.00 % from 90 votes. More jokes about: husband, life, money, prison, wife
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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has 80.72 % from 156 votes. More jokes about: life
A old man was sitting in the front row at a town meeting, heckling the mayor as he delivered a long speech. Finally the mayor could stand it no longer, so he pointed to the heckler and said, "will that gentleman please stand up and tell the audience what he has ever done for the good of the city." "Well Mr. Mayor," the man said in a firm voice. "I voted against you in the last election."
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has 80.60 % from 28 votes. More jokes about: life
"Today, I saw a homeless men living in a tyre. So I did good deed and punctured it." "How is that a good deed?" "He is now living in a flat."
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has 80.60 % from 125 votes. More jokes about: life
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