The best jokes about life

I'm going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.
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has 79.54 % from 738 votes. More jokes about: life
Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? A: You can unscrew a light bulb.
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has 79.50 % from 89 votes. More jokes about: life, light bulb, women
Going to war without the French is like going hunting without your accordion.
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has 79.48 % from 65 votes. More jokes about: hunting, life, war
A nun woke up one morning feeling great, she got out of bed and decided to go to the kitchen for some breakfast. On her way over there she runs into sister Jane and she says, "Hi sister Jane," by which sister Jane says, "I see you got off on the wrong side of the bed sister. She did not understand what sister Jane meant by that so she ignored it and went on. She was passing by the garden when she ran into sister Roberta and she says, "Good morning sister Roberta I am having a great day. Sister Roberta says, "I see you got off on the wrong side of the bed." The nun was wondering why everybody she met kept saying that when she felt great so she decides to go and see mother superior. She asks mother superior, "Everybody keeps telling me that I got off on the wrong side of the bed when I feel great and mother superior says,"That is because you have brother Johns shoes on."
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has 79.46 % from 71 votes. More jokes about: food, life
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off." "Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off." "Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"
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has 79.45 % from 112 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, life, pirate
A driver tucked a note under her windshield wiper and dashed off: "I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses." Returning, she came back only to find a parking ticket and this note: "I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job... Lead us not into temptation."
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has 79.27 % from 26 votes. More jokes about: age, life, time
10 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash. Now we have no jobs, no hope and no cash.
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has 79.24 % from 52 votes. More jokes about: life
Life is like a dick, sometimes it becomes hard for no reason.
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has 79.21 % from 76 votes. More jokes about: dirty, life
I can't tell if I'm depressed or just an adult.
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has 79.06 % from 39 votes. More jokes about: age, health, life
Two husbands were discussing their married lives. Although happily married, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes. Then Chad said, "I've made one great discovery. I now know how to always have the last word." "Wow!" said Sherm, "how did you manage that?" "It's easy," replied Chad. "My last word is always 'Yes, Dear.' "
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has 79.06 % from 39 votes. More jokes about: husband, life, marriage, wife
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