The best jokes about life

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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More jokes about: life
What is the difference between pressure, anxiety and panic attacks? You have pressure when your wife is pregnant. You are anxious when your girlfriend is pregnant. You have panic attacks when both of them are pregnant!
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More jokes about: baby, life, wife
When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.
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More jokes about: god, life, religious
Coworker: Can you help me with this project? Me: The short answer is no. Coworker: What's the long answer? Me: Nooooooo.
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More jokes about: life, work
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner. "Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you," The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
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More jokes about: chemistry, life, love, nerd
I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
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More jokes about: car, life
It's not the dress that makes you look fat. It's the fat.
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More jokes about: life
Patient: "Doctor, do you think that I shall live until I am ninety?" Doctor: "How old are you now?" Patient: "40" Doctor: "Do you drink, gamble, smoke or do you have any other vice?" Patient: "No. I don’t drink. I don’t gamble. I don’t smoke. I have no vice." Doctor: "Then why do you want to live for another fifty years?"
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More jokes about: age, alcohol, doctor, game, life
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex. "What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree." Horrified, she said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong. I'll show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, "You must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick, right in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?" "Checking for bees!" said Tarzan.
Vote: has 79.83 % from 1303 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, life, sex
I'm going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.
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More jokes about: life