The best jokes about life

I'm going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.
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has 79.60 % from 740 votes. More jokes about: life
Never make the same mistake twice. There are so many new ones, try a different one each day.
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has 79.57 % from 19 votes. More jokes about: life
You know you're ugly when you get handed the camera every time they make a group photo.
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has 79.54 % from 40 votes. More jokes about: life, ugly
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replies in a letter: "Dear wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money." A week or so later, he receives another letter from his wife. "Dear husband, you wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house and dug up the back garden." The prisoner writes back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."
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has 79.48 % from 83 votes. More jokes about: husband, life, money, prison, wife
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
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has 79.35 % from 33 votes. More jokes about: life, money
Heading off to college at the age of 40, I was a bit self-conscious about my advancing years. One morning I complained to my husband that I was the oldest student in my class. "Even the teacher is younger than I am," I said. "Yeah," he said optimistically, "but look at it from my point of view. I thought my days of fooling around with college girls were over!"
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has 79.34 % from 46 votes. More jokes about: life
Taylor Swift waved at a boy yesterday and he didn't wave back... So she will have a new album coming out tomorrow.
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has 79.28 % from 88 votes. More jokes about: celebrity, life, music
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I kinda liked it.
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has 79.19 % from 58 votes. More jokes about: life
Men are divided into two groups: 50% are wise and 50% have married.
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has 79.18 % from 64 votes. More jokes about: life, marriage, men
On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!"
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has 79.18 % from 64 votes. More jokes about: life
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