The best jokes about life

An engineer crosses a road when a frog calls out to him, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bends over, picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket. The frog speaks up again and says, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at it and returns it to the pocket. The frog then cries out, "If you kiss me and turn me back, I'll do whatever you say!" Again the engineer takes the frog out, smiles at it and puts it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asks, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a month and do whatever you say. What more do you want?" The engineer says, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"
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has 80.09 % from 174 votes. More jokes about: animal, beauty, life, work
A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in. One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left. As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?" "He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."
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has 80.05 % from 67 votes. More jokes about: food, life
Men are divided into two groups: 50% are wise and 50% have married.
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has 80.05 % from 67 votes. More jokes about: life, marriage, men
If you see me smiling, I'm probably thinking of doing something evil. If I'm laughing, I've already done it.
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has 80.00 % from 41 votes. More jokes about: life, mean
Mother to daughter advice: Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
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has 80.00 % from 41 votes. More jokes about: life
There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant. "It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out." "That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned. "Get my brown pants."
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has 79.99 % from 121 votes. More jokes about: beauty, life, pirate
Customer: "Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?" Waiter: "Can’t you tell the difference by taste?" Customer: "No, I can’t." Waiter: "Then does it really matter?"
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has 79.96 % from 27 votes. More jokes about: food, life
1st Eskimo: "Where did your mother come from?" 2nd Eskimo: "Alaska." 1st Eskimo: "Don’t bother, I’ll ask her myself!"
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has 79.96 % from 27 votes. More jokes about: life
Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when I do criticize him, I'm a mile away and I have his shoes.
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has 79.95 % from 54 votes. More jokes about: life
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off." "Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off." "Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"
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has 79.85 % from 126 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, life, pirate
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