A old man was sitting in the front row at a town meeting, heckling the mayor as he delivered a long speech. Finally the mayor could stand it no longer, so he pointed to the heckler and said, "will that gentleman please stand up and tell the audience what he has ever done for the good of the city." "Well Mr. Mayor," the man said in a firm voice. "I voted against you in the last election."
A demon died and was asked by god what he wanted to become in his next life. The demon said "I wish to become good in my next life. I want to be as pure and white as an angel and also have angel wings... But I still want to drink blood." So god turned him into a maxi pad.
It's not the dress that makes you look fat. It's the fat.
It was a celebratory mood with the boys at NASA; they had just made the scientific achievement of a lifetime. As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, Dr. Lowenstein, the head scientist at NASA, asked everyone to be quiet as he had received a congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States. He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it. "Mr. President," said Dr. Lowenstein, grinning broadly, "after twelve years of hard research and billions of dollars spent, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars." He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a frown. He said, "But that’s impossible... we could never do it. Yes Mr. President,” and hung up the phone. He addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously. "I have some bad news," he said, "the President said that now that we’ve found intelligent life on Mars... he wants us to try to find it in Congress."
Gordan Ramsey:Theres more smoke in this kitchen than snopp dogg tour bus.
Sherlock Holmes dies and goes to Heaven. There is a brouhaha. Sherlock Holmes asks St. Peter what seems to be the problem. Apparently, Adam has gone 'walkabout' among all the souls. It will take ages to find him. Holmes tracks down Adam, very quickly. The Lord asks Holmes how he recognized Adam among the millions of souls, without ever having met him. "Elementary, my dear God, he has no navel."
I never make the same mistake twice. I make it 5-6 times, just to be sure.
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off." "Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off." "Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"
A spaceman landed on the moon. To his surprise he saw ahead of him a little shop, with the name above it: "MORRIE COHEN, BESPOKE TAILORS." Curious, he went into the shop. A surprised looking man appeared behind the counter. "Who are you?" he asked. "I’m a spaceman," replied the spaceman. The man closed his eyes, and slapped his own cheek with one hand. "Cutters, I asked for. And they send me spacemen!"
What did the Zen Buddist say to the hotdog vendor? Make me one with everything.
We have so many nationalities. It's gotten to the point now that you can go into any fast food place, and you can find out what kind of neighborhood you're in just by the ethnic group that works there. It's like, if Chinese people work there, you're in a Chinese neighborhood; if black people work there, you're in a black neighborhood; if white people work there, then you're in Utah.