Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap. He was high on my list of priorities.
An ideal man doesn't drink, doesn't snore, doesn't watch football, doesn't argue and DOESNT'T EXIST.
Q: Why are farmers cooler than Hipsters? A: Farmers can go a day without their Pitchfork
The government shutdown has officially lasted longer than any of Taylor Swift's relationships.
Programming is like sex. One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
My dear old dad always said he had two big disappointments in life: the dog ran away and I didn't.
A man asked for a meal in a restaurant. The waiter brought the food and put it on the table. After a moment, the man called the waiter and said: "Waiter! Waiter! There's a fly in my soup!" "Please don't speak so loudly, sir," said the waiter, "or everyone will want one."
Q:How do crazy people go through the forest? A:They take the psycho path.
There once was a gal named Lewinsky, Who played music like a Stravinsky. "Twas "Hail to the Chief" On this flute made of beef. That stole the front page from Kaczynski. Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky, "We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski. Since you look such a mess, Use the hem of your dress And wipe that goo off of your chinsky." Lewinsky and Clinton have shown. What Kaczynski must surely have known: That an intern is better. Than a bomb in a letter. Given the choice of how to be blown.
Women prefer the simple things in life… like men.