The best jokes about life

During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general. "You simpleton!" the officer barked. "Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?" "Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically. "But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice. And I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches. But when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say, "Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' - that did it!"
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has 72.13 % from 102 votes. More jokes about: animal, dog, life, military, winter
Gordan Ramsey:Theres more smoke in this kitchen than snopp dogg tour bus.
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has 72.05 % from 64 votes. More jokes about: celebrity, food, life, music
My dear old dad always said he had two big disappointments in life: the dog ran away and I didn't.
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has 72.04 % from 33 votes. More jokes about: dad, dog, kids, life
My grandfather once told me "your generation is too reliant on technology." So I replied "no, your generation is too reliant on technology!" Then I disconnected his life support.
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has 71.97 % from 42 votes. More jokes about: life, old people, technology
Mr. Brown was telling his son a bed-time story. "Once upon a time there was a white bunny..." "Jeez..dad it's boring,what about science fiction?" "Ok,Ok" Mr Brown said. "Once upon a time there was a Bunny who got onto a spacecraft and...." "Dad, a little more grown up!" "Do you promise me not to tell your mom?" asked Mr Brown. " I swear!" "Ok", "Once upon a time there was a naked bunny..."
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has 71.88 % from 55 votes. More jokes about: animal, life, science
A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lively hillside where many goats were grazing. "These," she explained, "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce." She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?" A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"
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has 71.88 % from 55 votes. More jokes about: age, animal, food, life, travel
Q: When does a person decide to become an accountant? A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
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has 71.85 % from 13 votes. More jokes about: accountant, life
Two lawyers had been life long friends: they were partners and shared everything, including their hot-blooded secretary. One day the secretary announced she was pregnant. They told her not to worry and assured her that they would pay all medical costs and would act as co-fathers when the child was born and provide all expenses thereafter. The day of delivery arrived. Both the lawyers were at the hospital pacing the floor in the waiting room. Finally one of them said, “I can’t take this, I’m going down to sit in my car and wait there. Please come down and tell me as soon as the child is born!” The partner agreed to do that. About an hour later the partner approached the car with a very grave look on his face. “What happened?” asked the waiting car occupant. The other partner announced, “They were twins and mine died!”
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has 71.76 % from 28 votes. More jokes about: car, death, hospital, lawyer, life
I used to play tennis, baseball, basketball and chess, but I stopped after my son broke my playstation.
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has 71.76 % from 28 votes. More jokes about: life, sport, technology
Kim and Kanye naming their baby North West is just like Brad Pitt naming his kid Arm.
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has 71.76 % from 28 votes. More jokes about: baby, celebrity, life, music
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