The best jokes about life

I got so fed up with trick or treaters at Halloween that in the end I turned the lights out and pretended I wasn't in. Forget the ships. My lighthouse, my rules...
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has 71.00 % from 49 votes. More jokes about: Halloween, life, mean, travel, work
My dear old dad always said he had two big disappointments in life: the dog ran away and I didn't.
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has 70.92 % from 36 votes. More jokes about: dad, dog, kids, life
All these Miley Cyrus jokes are whoreable.
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has 70.92 % from 36 votes. More jokes about: celebrity, life, music
"Hey what's up?" "Nothing much.. converting Oxygen into Carbon dioxide." "How the hell do you do that?!" "Breathing... Dude."
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has 70.91 % from 306 votes. More jokes about: life
During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general. "You simpleton!" the officer barked. "Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?" "Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically. "But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice. And I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches. But when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say, "Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' - that did it!"
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has 70.87 % from 113 votes. More jokes about: animal, dog, life, military, winter
This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?" The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight..."
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has 70.84 % from 27 votes. More jokes about: doctor, life, time
Some members of a health club were having their first meeting. The director of the group said, "Now, I’d like each of you to give the facts of your daily routine." Several people spoke, admitting their excesses, and then one obviously overweight members said, "I eat moderately, I drink moderately, and I exercise frequently." "Hmm?" said the manager. "And are you sure you having nothing else to add?" "Well, yes," said the member. "I lie extensively."
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has 70.84 % from 27 votes. More jokes about: health, life
I wake up everyday planning to be productive and then voice in my head says: "Haha nice one!" and we laugh and laugh and take a nap.
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has 70.84 % from 27 votes. More jokes about: life
A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lively hillside where many goats were grazing. "These," she explained, "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce." She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?" A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"
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has 70.83 % from 57 votes. More jokes about: age, animal, food, life, travel
What was Forrest Gump's email password? 1forrest1
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has 70.75 % from 65 votes. More jokes about: celebrity, computer, IT, life, technology
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