My dear old dad always said he had two big disappointments in life: the dog ran away and I didn't.
I really do have a soft spot for my MIL.
It's out in the garden behind the garage.
Vote:
A woman, after giving birth to six babies, upon seeing her husband gets up off the hospital bed, walks over to him shouting "I told you not to go doggy style!"
The government shutdown has officially lasted longer than any of Taylor Swift's relationships.
Vote:
Do you know what a plateau is?
It's the highest form of flattery!
Scientists invented a machine to catch thieves.
In 30 minutes in Canada the machine caught 10 thieves, in 15 minutes in the U.S the machine caught 5 thieves, in 3 minutes in Trinidad thieves stole the machine.
My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
An ideal man doesn't drink, doesn't snore, doesn't watch football, doesn't argue and DOESNT'T EXIST.
Doctor (to a patient): "You must take four tea-spoonfuls of this medicine before every meal."
Patient: "Doctor, we’ve only 3 spoons at home."
If my main parachute doesn't open and my reserve parachute doesn't open, how long till i hit the ground?
The rest of your life...