Pawn Stars: Man: "Can I have change for a dollar?" Rick: "Best I can do is 75 cents."
Where do homeless accountants live? In a tax shelter.
No! You don't have "Bad luck". You have low IQ and you make bad decisions.
Q: How is a boss better than a wife? A: A boss at least pays you for making your life miserable.
Jesus said to John, "Come forth and receive eternal life." He came fifth and received a toaster.
I wake up everyday planning to be productive and then voice in my head says: "Haha nice one!" and we laugh and laugh and take a nap.
What do you call a Labrador that becomes a magician? A Labracadabrador!
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they're all like "we need to talk."
A man asked for a meal in a restaurant. The waiter brought the food and put it on the table. After a moment, the man called the waiter and said: "Waiter! Waiter! There's a fly in my soup!" "Please don't speak so loudly, sir," said the waiter, "or everyone will want one."
Q:How do crazy people go through the forest? A:They take the psycho path.