So the buddhist pulls a gun out of his coat and the vendor says, "Whoa whoa whoa, what about inner peace?". The Buddhist responds "This is my inner piece".
An ideal man doesn't drink, doesn't snore, doesn't watch football, doesn't argue and DOESNT'T EXIST.
The church is struck by lightning. The insurance company refuses to pay out for damages incurred, as there is a specific disclaimer clause for "An act of God", which, amongst others, lightning is classified as. The priest goes to every household and asks for a donation to rebuild the church. One Christian farmer protested, "I'm sorry, Pastor, but I can't give money to Somebody who set His own house alight!"
"Doctor I feel like biscuits!" "What, you mean those square ones?" "Yes!" "The ones you put butter on?" "Yes!" "Well, that means you’re crackers!"
Pawn Stars: Man: "Can I have change for a dollar?" Rick: "Best I can do is 75 cents."
He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.
You have committed the grave tactical blunder of acquiring enough university credits to graduate. So now you're leaving college and embarking on the greatest adventure - and the biggest challenge - of your young lives: moving back in with your parents.
Toilets are like mothers-in-law: the farther away the better.
No! You don't have "Bad luck". You have low IQ and you make bad decisions.
Q: How is a boss better than a wife? A: A boss at least pays you for making your life miserable.