What did the egg say to the boiling water? "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."
When a White guy is... Scared- He gets even whiter. Cold- He turns Blue. Angry-He turns Red. Stoned- Gray duh. Sick- He turns Green. When a Black guy is... Scared- He stays Black. Cold- He stays Black. Angry- He stays Black. Stoned- He stays Black. Black Man to White Man: And you calling us colored.
If my main parachute doesn't open and my reserve parachute doesn't open, how long till i hit the ground? The rest of your life...
So the buddhist pulls a gun out of his coat and the vendor says, "Whoa whoa whoa, what about inner peace?". The Buddhist responds "This is my inner piece".
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Two Reasons why it's so hard to solve a redneck murder: Firstly, the DNA all matches and secondly, there are no dental records.
Priest: Kim, do you take Kanye to be your lawfully wedded husband to love and cherish? Kim: I.. *Kanye grabs mic* Kanye: She do.
The government shutdown has officially lasted longer than any of Taylor Swift's relationships.
My wife found a porn magazine in our son's room the other day. She showed it to me, and it was BDSM. She asked me "What we should do?" Me: "Probably not spank him." She belted me with the magazine. Now I know where he gets it from.