My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
Do you know what a plateau is?
It's the highest form of flattery!
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
"How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."
So the buddhist pulls a gun out of his coat and the vendor says, "Whoa whoa whoa, what about inner peace?".
The Buddhist responds "This is my inner piece".
If my main parachute doesn't open and my reserve parachute doesn't open, how long till i hit the ground?
The rest of your life...
Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners.
He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen’s Laundry."
"Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?"
So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.
The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like 'Hans Olaffsen’s Laundry?'"
The old man answers, "Is name of owner."
The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"
"Me, is right here," replies the old man.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"
"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?'
He say, 'Hans Olaffsen.'
Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'
I say, 'Sem Ting.'"
Could you imagine if God turns out to be a woman ?
Not only am I going to hell, but I will never know why.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
A Ham sandwich walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food."