The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions. "Ever have an accident?" "Nope, nary a one." "None? You've never had any accidents." "Nope. Ain't had one. Never." "Well, you said in this form you were bitten by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider that an accident?" "Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose."
Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."
FOUR stages of girl & boy relation! 1. hand in hand. 2. that in hand. 3. hand in that. 4. that in that.
My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
Do you know what a plateau is? It's the highest form of flattery!
I like my girl to be Hannah on the streets but Miley in the sheets.
What did the egg say to the boiling water? "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."
So the buddhist pulls a gun out of his coat and the vendor says, "Whoa whoa whoa, what about inner peace?". The Buddhist responds "This is my inner piece".
If my main parachute doesn't open and my reserve parachute doesn't open, how long till i hit the ground? The rest of your life...
Q: Why did the Energizer cell go to court? A: For charges of battery.