The best jokes about life

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
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Do you know what a plateau is? It's the highest form of flattery!
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Husband: Shall we try a new positon tonight? Wife: Sure. You stand by the ironing board, and I'll sit on the couch while drinking beer and farting.
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More jokes about: beer, fart, husband, life, wife
This couple board this jetliner for a trip to New York. The jetliner gets full of passengers and they are to go but, they notice that there are no attendants or pilots. The door closes and the jetliner starts taxing down the taxiway towards the runway and starts to take off as they are airborne the intercom says: Welcome to flight 1313 non stop to New York as you can see there are no attendants and or pilots this aircraft is totally computerized so sit back and enjoy the flight because there is nothing that can go wrong go wrong go wrong go wrong ...
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Cletus Cletus goes to work and sees that one of his co-workers has a thermos. He asks him what it does and the fellow co-worker responds, "It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold." Cletus was amazed and when he got home immediately went out and bought one. The next day he goes to work and is proud that he has this wonderful object. The same co-worker realizes he has a thermos and says, "What do you have in it?" He says, "Soup and ice cream!"
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More jokes about: food, life, work
If they bring shrimp home on shrimp boats, fish home on fish boats, and clams home on clam boats, what do they bring crabs home on? The Captains Dinghy!
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Q: When does a person decide to become an accountant? A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
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Q: What does the baker have under his apron? A: Dough nuts.
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Why does Rick Ross rap about cars when he cant fit in them.
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Customer: "Waiter, this soup tastes funny." Waiter: "Funny? But then why aren’t you laughing?"
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More jokes about: food, life