One day, Bush was talking with Osama Binladen on the phone, they couldn’t trace from where the call was coming from, but Osama said, "I’ve got good news and bad news." Bush replied, "What’s the good news?" "I’m turning myself in," said Osama. "But the bad news is, I’m coming on a plane."
Every night I play a game called "Should I pee or can I hold it till morning".
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
What do you call an intelligent man in America? A tourist.
A preacher's wife goes to the butcher. The butcher asks if she'd like to try some damn ham. The preacher's wife is shocked. The butcher explains that "Dam Ham" is the brand name of the meat and shows her the packaging with the beaver and dam logo. That night, the preacher asks, "What's for dinner?" His wife says she bought some damn ham from the butcher. The preacher scolds his wife for using such language in their home. She explains the "Dam Ham brand name and their logo. At the dinner table, the preacher asks his 16-year-old son to pass him the "Dam Ham." The son replies, "I'll pass the damn ham if you pass me the muthaf**kin' mashed potatoes."
I don't understand why people pay shrinks when I'll tell them what's wrong with themselves for free.
Where do homeless accountants live? In a tax shelter.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
You will never have more energy or enthusiasm, hair, or brain cells than you have today.
Q: How is a boss better than a wife? A: A boss at least pays you for making your life miserable.