I don't understand why people pay shrinks when I'll tell them what's wrong with themselves for free.
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I’ll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk.
"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Puff! She’s gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep.
"I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He’s gone. "OK, you’re up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say...
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.
I can't put it down.
You will never have more energy or enthusiasm, hair, or brain cells than you have today.
Q: What do you get if you cross a nun and a chicken?
A: A pecking order.
A French guest, staying in a hotel called room service for some pepper.
"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
"Toilette pepper!" came the reply
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn’t been feeling well.
The doctor examins him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills.
The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."
Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Jeez doc, exactly what’s my problem?"
The Doctor says, "You’re not drinking enough water."
Pawn Stars:
Man: "Can I have change for a dollar?"
Rick: "Best I can do is 75 cents."
I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment about their mustache, and suddenly she is not your friend anymore...
Life may not be worth living, but what else can you do with it?