The best jokes about life

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I’ll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She’s gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He’s gone. "OK, you’re up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch." Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say...
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has 67.68 % from 24 votes. More jokes about: life
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
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has 67.68 % from 24 votes. More jokes about: life
Q: What is height of forgetfulness? A: Seeing the mirror and trying to recollect when you saw him / her last.
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has 67.68 % from 24 votes. More jokes about: life
A preacher's wife goes to the butcher. The butcher asks if she'd like to try some damn ham. The preacher's wife is shocked. The butcher explains that "Dam Ham" is the brand name of the meat and shows her the packaging with the beaver and dam logo. That night, the preacher asks, "What's for dinner?" His wife says she bought some damn ham from the butcher. The preacher scolds his wife for using such language in their home. She explains the "Dam Ham brand name and their logo. At the dinner table, the preacher asks his 16-year-old son to pass him the "Dam Ham." The son replies, "I'll pass the damn ham if you pass me the muthaf**kin' mashed potatoes."
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has 67.64 % from 28 votes. More jokes about: food, life, wife
I don't understand why people pay shrinks when I'll tell them what's wrong with themselves for free.
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has 67.64 % from 28 votes. More jokes about: doctor, life
An alien lord lands in the middle of the desert and demands to see the ruler of all this planet and make it bow to his will, except he made two grave mistakes, first he landed in the middle of the desert, in the middle of the night and second he didn't know anything about the inhabitants. So he approaches the first life form he finds which was a gas pump and demands it to take him to the leader. Well it's a gas pump so it doesn't say anything obviously, getting aggravated he demands again but this time pulls his laser pistol and says "This is the last time I ask earthling!" Just then his general whispers to him "Hey calm down buddy don't mess with this guy, he's a badass motherfucker". Shrugging off his comrade he furiously demands a response and after brief moments of silence, he blasts the pump and BOOM! A huge explosion occurs and they land a mile away. As they sit there dusting themselves off the alien lord looks at the general and asks "We have conquered the cosmos and all sorts of life forms, I've never seen you sweat in the face of an adversary, how did you know this guy was such a badass motherfucker?" The general looks over and says "Man if you could wrap your dick around your body 3 times and then plug it in your ear, you are a badass motherfucker."
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has 67.51 % from 118 votes. More jokes about: death, desert island, life, morbid, vulgar
"Do you know what the difference is between toilet paper and a shower curtain?" "No" "So, it was you!"
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has 67.50 % from 58 votes. More jokes about: insulting, life
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
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has 67.48 % from 111 votes. More jokes about: life
I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment about their mustache, and suddenly she is not your friend anymore...
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has 67.39 % from 65 votes. More jokes about: life
Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray this cushy life to keep. I pray for toys that look like mice, And sofa cushions, soft and nice. I pray for gourmet kitty snacks, And someone nice to scratch my back, For windowsills all warm and bright, For shadows to explore at night. I pray I'll always stay real cool And keep the secret feline rule To never tell a human that The world is really ruled by cats!
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has 67.38 % from 182 votes. More jokes about: cat, food, kitty, life, poems
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