Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.
I am often asked, "Is google a man or a women?"
My simple answer is:
It's a woman because it won't let you finish your sentence without making a suggestion.
I like my girl to be Hannah on the streets but Miley in the sheets.
Where do homeless accountants live?
In a tax shelter.
Vote:
Q: What do you get if you cross a nun and a chicken?
A: A pecking order.
Q: Have you heard about McDonald's new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
This couple board this jetliner for a trip to New York.
The jetliner gets full of passengers and they are to go but, they notice that there are no attendants or pilots.
The door closes and the jetliner starts taxing down the taxiway towards the runway and starts to take off as they are airborne the intercom says:
Welcome to flight 1313 non stop to New York as you can see there are no attendants and or pilots this aircraft is totally computerized so sit back and enjoy the flight because there is nothing that can go wrong go wrong go wrong go wrong ...
You have committed the grave tactical blunder of acquiring enough university credits to graduate.
So now you're leaving college and embarking on the greatest adventure - and the biggest challenge - of your young lives:
moving back in with your parents.
Vote:
Life is like a box of chocolates:
A lot of people can't stand the dark ones.
One day Dick Cheney, George Bush and Laura Bush were in a private jet going to France.
Then, George Bush said, " If i throw this hundred dollar bill off this jet I'll make one person happy!"
Then Dick Cheney said, " Man if i throw ten, ten dollar bills down, I'll make ten people happy!"
Then Laura Bush said, " If I throw one hundred one dollar bills off this jet I'll make a hundred people happy."
Then the pilot said, " Man, if I throw these 3 losers outta this jet, I'll make six billion people happy."