An ideal man doesn't drink, doesn't snore, doesn't watch football, doesn't argue and DOESNT'T EXIST.
Doctor (to a patient): "You must take four tea-spoonfuls of this medicine before every meal."
Patient: "Doctor, we’ve only 3 spoons at home."
Every time you're sad, just remember that somewhere out there a tree grew for years and years, but was then destroyed and became material for a Justin Bieber notebook.
Define "Egghead":
What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.
What do you find in a clean nose?
Fingerprints!
Why wouldn't the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone?
He desperately wanted a scoop.
What's a skunk's philosophy of life?
Eat, stink and be merry.
How many Mafia hitmen does it take to light the bonfire?
Three, One to set fire to the effigy, one to watch his back, and one to shoot any witnesses.
Q: Why are farmers cooler than Hipsters?
A: Farmers can go a day without their Pitchfork
Q: Why did the Energizer cell go to court?
A: For charges of battery.