Doc, I think I need to wear glasses
Indeed you have to, you are in a bank.
A zebra has wondered his whole life whether he was a white zebra with black stripes or a black zebra with white stripes.
When he dies and goes to heaven he asks God the question "Am I a white zebra with black stripes or a black zebra with white stripes?"
God responds, "You are what you are"
The zebra goes to his friends and tells them what God had said and that he still doesn't know the answer to his question.
One of his friends says, "Well, that means you are a white zebra with black stripes"
The zebra asks him why and the friend says, "Because otherwise God would have said 'You is what you is'"
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.
I can't put it down.
Do you know what a plateau is?
It's the highest form of flattery!
A reporter asked Chris Rock who do you think would win the presidency?
He said quickly Obama.
When asked why, he replied, has anyone ran a race with a Kenyan and won?
Drake Bell: In honor of Kim and Kanye's baby "North West" I will be naming my first son "Taco".
Kim and Kanye naming their baby North West is just like Brad Pitt naming his kid Arm.
Cletus Cletus goes to work and sees that one of his co-workers has a thermos.
He asks him what it does and the fellow co-worker responds, "It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold."
Cletus was amazed and when he got home immediately went out and bought one.
The next day he goes to work and is proud that he has this wonderful object.
The same co-worker realizes he has a thermos and says, "What do you have in it?"
He says, "Soup and ice cream!"
If you make a list of 10 things Chuck Norris cannot do, he will appear at your house and perform them all.
Your life may be forfeit.
If you majored in fine arts or philosophy, you have good reason to be worried.
The only place you are now really qualified to get a job is in Ancient Greece.