How come the village Guy Fawkes won the Nobel Peace Prize? Cause he was outstanding in his field.
Q: What's the distinction between getting a divorce and getting circumcised? A: When you get a divorce, you dispose of the entire prick.
Imagine that ur in the forest where there is a tiger in front of you right about to eat you. What do you do? U stop imagining...
My grandfather once told me "your generation is too reliant on technology." So I replied "no, your generation is too reliant on technology!" Then I disconnected his life support.
Grandma: "Why is that dumb piece of cotton candy talking." Me: "Grandma, thats Nikki Minaj."
The government shutdown has officially lasted longer than any of Taylor Swift's relationships.
If God didn't want us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them out of food.
10 Facts About You: 1. You're reading this now. 2. You're realizing that this is a stupid fact. 4. You didn't notice I skipped number 3. 5. You're checking now. 6. You're smiling. 7. You're still reading this even though it is stupid. 9. You didn't realize I skipped number 8. 10. You're checking again and smiling because you fell for it again. 11. You're enjoying this. 12. You didn't realize I said 10 facts not 12.
Doc, I think I need to wear glasses Indeed you have to, you are in a bank.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.