I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
Do you know what a plateau is? It's the highest form of flattery!
A reporter asked Chris Rock who do you think would win the presidency? He said quickly Obama. When asked why, he replied, has anyone ran a race with a Kenyan and won?
I read that India launched a rocket to Mars the other day. That seems like a strange place to put a call center.
Kim and Kanye naming their baby North West is just like Brad Pitt naming his kid Arm.
I don't understand why people pay shrinks when I'll tell them what's wrong with themselves for free.
Cletus Cletus goes to work and sees that one of his co-workers has a thermos. He asks him what it does and the fellow co-worker responds, "It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold." Cletus was amazed and when he got home immediately went out and bought one. The next day he goes to work and is proud that he has this wonderful object. The same co-worker realizes he has a thermos and says, "What do you have in it?" He says, "Soup and ice cream!"
If you make a list of 10 things Chuck Norris cannot do, he will appear at your house and perform them all. Your life may be forfeit.
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
I wake up everyday planning to be productive and then voice in my head says: "Haha nice one!" and we laugh and laugh and take a nap.