You will never have more energy or enthusiasm, hair, or brain cells than you have today.
Patient goes to Doctor, doctor starts looking at him... - Good, good, good... - Doctor, what's good? - Good that I don't have what you have...
Q: How is a boss better than a wife? A: A boss at least pays you for making your life miserable.
I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment about their mustache, and suddenly she is not your friend anymore...
Life may not be worth living, but what else can you do with it?
Programming is like sex One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
Life is all about mind and matter - I don't mind and You don't matter...
What is Jehovah's wiseness favorite band? The Doors.
That awkward moment when you're about to hug someone sexy as hell and then you hit the mirror.
I took a day off from work to play golf. I was on the fourth hole, when I discovered a small frog sitting on the green. I paid it no attention until I heard, "Ribbit. 9-iron." That's curious, I thought, but decided to trust the frog. I pulled out a 9-iron and sunk a hole-in-one. Amazed, I picked up the frog and asked where we should go next. "Ribbit. Vegas." We went to Vegas, and I asked the frog what we should do first. "Ribbit. Roulette." We went up to the roulette table, and I won big. I took my earnings and got the best room in the hotel. I asked the frog if there was anything I could do to repay it. "Ribbit. Kiss me." I figured, what the hell, and I kissed the frog. It turned into a 15-year-old girl. That's how she ended up in my room, your Honor, and if I'm lying, my name's not R. Kelly. Tweet Share