"Knock Knock?"
"Who's there?"
"Europe."
"Europe who?"
"No you're a poo."
"Doctor I feel like biscuits!"
"What, you mean those square ones?"
"Yes!"
"The ones you put butter on?"
"Yes!"
"Well, that means you’re crackers!"
Did you hear about the guy they found dead with his head in his cornflakes?
The police thought it was a cereal killer.
Every night I play a game called "Should I pee or can I hold it till morning".
Q: What's in the wardrobe?
A: Narnia business.
That awkward moment when somebody is doing dishes and you put another dish in the sink.
That awkward moment when you're about to hug someone sexy as hell and then you hit the mirror.
A teller at our credit union was assisting a member with a loan application.
"Do you have references?" she asked.
The member replied, "Do they have to be living?"
On a beach a man shouts at another man:
Tell your son not to imitate me.
A man to his son:
Son, stop playing the fool.
There were two brothers.
One was very good and tried to always live right and be helpful.
His brother, on the other hand, was bad and did all the things that men should not do and didn’t care who he hurt.
The bad brother died.
The good brother missed him despite his ways.
Finally, years later, the good brother died and went to Heaven.
Everything was beautiful and wonderful there and he was very happy.
One day he asked God where his brother was, as he hadn’t seen him there.
God said that he was sorry but his brother lived a terrible life and went to Hell instead.
The good brother then asked God if there was any way for him to see his brother.
So God gave him the power of vision to see into Hell and there was his brother.
He was sitting on a bench with a keg of beer under one arm and a gorgeous blonde on the other.
Confused, the good brother said to God, "I am so happy that you let me into Heaven with You. It is so beautiful here and I love it. But I don’t understand, if my brother was bad enough to go to Hell, why does he have the keg of beer and a gorgeous blonde? It hardly seems like a punishment."
God said unto him, "Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it; the blonde does not."