Did you hear about the guy they found dead with his head in his cornflakes?
The police thought it was a cereal killer. 
Every night I play a game called "Should I pee or can I hold it till morning".
What was Forrest Gump's email password?
1forrest1
Q: What's in the wardrobe?
A: Narnia business.
That awkward moment when somebody is doing dishes and you put another dish in the sink.
That awkward moment when you're about to hug someone sexy as hell and then you hit the mirror.
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the plant and get some work done."
Vote:
A teller at our credit union was assisting a member with a loan application.
"Do you have references?" she asked.
The member replied, "Do they have to be living?"
I went to a very beautiful place yesterday.
There were blossoms, roses and bright sky like a fantasy land.
I was so happy until some idiot woke me up...
On a beach a man shouts at another man:
Tell your son not to imitate me.
A man to his son:
Son, stop playing the fool.