Life is all about mind and matter - I don't mind and You don't matter...
What is Jehovah's wiseness favorite band? The Doors.
That awkward moment when you're about to hug someone sexy as hell and then you hit the mirror.
A zebra has wondered his whole life whether he was a white zebra with black stripes or a black zebra with white stripes. When he dies and goes to heaven he asks God the question "Am I a white zebra with black stripes or a black zebra with white stripes?" God responds, "You are what you are" The zebra goes to his friends and tells them what God had said and that he still doesn't know the answer to his question. One of his friends says, "Well, that means you are a white zebra with black stripes" The zebra asks him why and the friend says, "Because otherwise God would have said 'You is what you is'"
Chuck Norris is the meaning of life. Too bad he's also the meaning of death.
On a beach a man shouts at another man: Tell your son not to imitate me. A man to his son: Son, stop playing the fool.
One day Dick Cheney, George Bush and Laura Bush were in a private jet going to France. Then, George Bush said, " If i throw this hundred dollar bill off this jet I'll make one person happy!" Then Dick Cheney said, " Man if i throw ten, ten dollar bills down, I'll make ten people happy!" Then Laura Bush said, " If I throw one hundred one dollar bills off this jet I'll make a hundred people happy." Then the pilot said, " Man, if I throw these 3 losers outta this jet, I'll make six billion people happy."
Q: What's in the wardrobe? A: Narnia business.
That awkward moment when somebody is doing dishes and you put another dish in the sink.
A Russian captain is trying to explain to his comrades the effects of atomic bombs: "Now, imagine 20 no, 40, no... a 100 cases of vodka and noone to drink them!"