Did you hear about the guy they found dead with his head in his cornflakes?
The police thought it was a cereal killer. 
Every night I play a game called "Should I pee or can I hold it till morning".
What was Forrest Gump's email password?
1forrest1
Q: What's in the wardrobe?
A: Narnia business.
That awkward moment when somebody is doing dishes and you put another dish in the sink.
That awkward moment when you're about to hug someone sexy as hell and then you hit the mirror.
A teller at our credit union was assisting a member with a loan application.
"Do you have references?" she asked.
The member replied, "Do they have to be living?"
I went to a very beautiful place yesterday.
There were blossoms, roses and bright sky like a fantasy land.
I was so happy until some idiot woke me up...
On a beach a man shouts at another man:
Tell your son not to imitate me.
A man to his son:
Son, stop playing the fool.
The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy.
The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.
"Ever have an accident?"
"Nope, nary a one."
"None? You've never had any accidents."
"Nope. Ain't had one. Never."
"Well, you said in this form you were bitten by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider that an accident?"
"Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose."