Work emails are like the gym.
You sign up for it thinking it will be loads of fun.
You get bored of it within hours.
You only keep going to keep up your reputation.
The more you stay away, the harder it is to go back.
Q: How do you drown a hipster?
A: In the mainstream.
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the plant and get some work done."
Vote:
Hilary Clinton, George Bush, Sarkozy, a boy and a monk were stuck on a plane that is falling fast.
They are 5 but there are only 4 parachutes.
Hilary said "I'm a woman, you cant leave a woman on a plane to die" so she took one and jumped.
Bush said "I'm the smartest in the world, every one needs me" he took one and jumped.
Sarkozy blabbed something in french that no one understood, he took one and jumped.
The monk tells the boy "You take the last parachute, let me die" the boy said
"Why? We can both jump."
"How is that?" said the monk.
The boy replies, "Because the so called smartest man Bush took my school bag and jumped!"
Two politician are having lunch together, all of a sudden one stood up and shouted, "Your lying."
The other replied, "I know but just hear me out."
This couple board this jetliner for a trip to New York.
The jetliner gets full of passengers and they are to go but, they notice that there are no attendants or pilots.
The door closes and the jetliner starts taxing down the taxiway towards the runway and starts to take off as they are airborne the intercom says:
Welcome to flight 1313 non stop to New York as you can see there are no attendants and or pilots this aircraft is totally computerized so sit back and enjoy the flight because there is nothing that can go wrong go wrong go wrong go wrong ...
Q: What’s the definition of a pessimist?
A: A pessimist is a well-informed optimist.
Grandma: "Why is that dumb piece of cotton candy talking."
Me: "Grandma, thats Nikki Minaj."
Sherlock Holmes dies and goes to Heaven.
There is a brouhaha.
Sherlock Holmes asks St. Peter what seems to be the problem.
Apparently, Adam has gone 'walkabout' among all the souls.
It will take ages to find him. Holmes tracks down Adam, very quickly.
The Lord asks Holmes how he recognized Adam among the millions of souls, without ever having met him.
"Elementary, my dear God, he has no navel."
Doctor: "And how is it going with your old ailment, Mr Smith?"
Patient: "Very well, I've been divorced for half a year now."
Vote: