The best marriage jokes

A woman was standing naked, looking herself at the mirror. She was not satisfied with what she was looking at and said to her husband: "I feel awful. I look old, fat, and ugly. I really need a compliment right now." Her husband replied: "Your vision is perfectly nice!" ...and then the fight started.
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More jokes about: age, fat, husband, marriage
A couple had been married for 50 years and had raised a brood of 10 children and was blessed with 20 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."
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More jokes about: kids, marriage, time
After a lengthy quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied: "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
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More jokes about: husband, love, marriage, wife
A man walks into a crowded local bar brandishing a revolver yelling "Who’s been screwing my wife?" A voice from the back of the bar shouts back, "You don’t have enough ammo, mate!"
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More jokes about: bar, marriage, wife
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
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More jokes about: marriage
Old Farmer Peter was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he said to his wife: "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones." Wife: "No, I can't marry anyone after you." Peter: "But I want you to." Wife: "But why?" Peter: "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"
Vote: has 52.63 % from 43 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: death, horse, marriage, wife
A college math professor and his wife are both 60 years old. One evening the wife comes home and finds a note from her husband. It says: "My dear, now that you are 60 years old, there are some things you no longer do for me. I am at the Holiday Inn with my 20-year-old student. Don't bother waiting up for me." He returns home late that night to find a note from his wife: "You, my dear, are also 60 years old and there are also things I need that you're not giving me. So, I am at the Motel 6 with one of your 20-year-old students. Being a math professor, I'm sure you know that 20 goes into 60 way more than 60 goes into 20. So, don't YOU wait up for ME."
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More jokes about: age, college, marriage, math, wife
Q: What do women, tornadoes and hurricanes have in common? A: They all get the house.
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More jokes about: marriage, weather, women
Some strangers sit at the bar. One guy says, "My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG." Another guy asks, "What's that?" The first guy says, "I am a Single, New Age Guy." Another guy says, "My name is Gary, and I am a DINK." A lady asks, "What's that?" He says, "Double Income, No Kids." The lady says, "That's nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a WIFE." Larry asks, "A WIFE?" Gertrude says, "Wash, Iron, F**k, Etc."
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More jokes about: marriage
A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, "Something has just come up. I need to go fishing with the boss for the weekend. We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and my blue silk pajamas? I'll be home in an hour to pick them up." He hurries home, grabs everything and rushes off. Sunday night, he returns. His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip?" "Oh yes, great! I think I really impressed the boss. But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas." "Oh, no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box."
Vote: has 52.50 % from 38 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: fish, marriage, phone, wife