The best marriage jokes

A man returns home and find his wife with his best friend. He takes out the gun and shoots his friend to death. His wife: "Listen, if you stay in such character, you will lose all your friends."
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has 54.49 % from 65 votes. More jokes about: death, friendship, marriage, wife
Husband: Everytime I hit you, you never fight back. How do you manage your anger? Wife: I clean the toilet seat... Husband: How does it help Wife: I use your toothbrush!
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has 54.46 % from 60 votes. More jokes about: husband, marriage, wife
Walking down the street, a man hears a voice: "Stop! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down and kill you." The man stopped; a big brick fell in front of him. The astonished man continued walking to the cross walk. The voice shouted, "Stop! If you take one more step, a car will run over you and you will die." The man stood still; a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh yeah?" the man asked. "Where the hell were you when I got married last week?"
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has 54.38 % from 182 votes. More jokes about: car, death, marriage
Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? A. They're married.
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has 54.31 % from 32 votes. More jokes about: bar, marriage, men, single
The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?" "There is," he replied. "Breakfast."
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has 54.31 % from 32 votes. More jokes about: marriage
Genuine advert. In New York Newspaper Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannia. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows f**king everything.
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has 54.24 % from 172 votes. More jokes about: marriage, money, wife
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever" "Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last"
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has 54.22 % from 193 votes. More jokes about: anniversary, husband, marriage, wedding, wife
Wife comes out of a beauty salon and asks husband: "So, how do I look?" "Well, at least you tried..."
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has 54.13 % from 37 votes. More jokes about: beauty, marriage, wife
"Hi Liz! How's the big love of yours, James?" "It's over!" "Over? Why, what happened?" "We got married..."
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has 54.13 % from 37 votes. More jokes about: love, marriage
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer"
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has 54.08 % from 197 votes. More jokes about: marriage, math, men, wedding, women
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