Old Farmer Peter was dying.
The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he said to his wife: "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones."
Wife: "No, I can't marry anyone after you."
Peter: "But I want you to."
Wife: "But why?"
Peter: "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"
A guy goes fishing every Saturday morning.
He gets up early and eager, makes his lunch, hooks up his boat and off he goes, all day long.
Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck and down the driveway he goes.
As he is coming out of his garage rain is pouring down, it is like a torrential downpour.
There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.
Minutes later, he returns to the garage.
He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel.
He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.
There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible."
To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?"
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the priest with an unusual offer:
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows.
When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."
He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the priest looked the young man in the eye and said:
"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes, I do" then leaned toward the priest and hissed:
"I thought we had a deal."
The priest put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered:
"She made me a better offer."
An old couple celebrates their 50th wedding anniversary in a honeymoon suite.
All night long, the bellboy hears laughing and clapping sounds from their room.
The next morning, he asks the old man how he can do it all night at his age.
The husband replies, "First, I remove my clothes. Then, I lie down on the bed face up. Then, my wife removes her clothes and lifts up my penis with one hand, and we make a bet. If it falls to left when she lets go, I win; if it falls to right, she wins."
The bell boy asks, "Well, what if it doesn't fall?"
"Then we both win," says the old man.
A man returns home and find his wife with his best friend.
He takes out the gun and shoots his friend to death.
His wife: "Listen, if you stay in such character, you will lose all your friends."
Vote:
Peter sat at his dying wife's bedside.
Her voice was little more than a whisper.
"Pete, darling," she breathed, "I've a confession to make before I go. ... I ... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe.
I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Alex.
And it was I who forced your mistress to leave the city.
And I am the one who reported your income-tax evasion to the government. . . ."
"That's all right, sweetie, don't give it a second thought," answered Peter, "I'm the one who poisoned you."
A couple had been married for 50 years and had raised a brood of 10 children and was blessed with 20 grandchildren.
When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies,
"Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."
A woman was standing naked, looking herself at the mirror.
She was not satisfied with what she was looking at and said to her husband: "I feel awful. I look old, fat, and ugly. I really need a compliment right now."
Her husband replied: "Your vision is perfectly nice!"
...and then the fight started.
A newlywed couple on their honeymoon prepares to see each other naked for the first time.
The husband exposes his knotted and twisted feet.
He explains, "I had tolio as a child."
The wife asks if he means polio.
He says, "No, it only affects the toes."
He removes his pants and reveals deformed knees.
He admits, "I had kneesles, too."
Finally, he pulls off his boxers.
In shock, the woman gasps, "Oh no...smallcox, too!"
A husband and wife go to a restaurant.
The waiter approaches the table to take their order.
"I'll have your biggest, juiciest steak," says the husband.
"But sir, what about the mad cow?" asks the waiter.
"Oh," says the husband, "she'll order for herself."