My best friend ran away with my wife. It's only been three days and I really miss him.
A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags and asks her where she's going. "To Las Vegas. I found out there are men who will pay me $400 to do what I do to you for free." The man started packing his bags. "Where are you going?" she asked. "I'm going to Las Vegas with you. I want to see how you'll live on $800 a year."
Why do couples hold hands during their wedding day? simple it is just a formality like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!!
A man and his wife shower together. The husband puts his hand on her breast and says, "These are nice, but if they were a bit firmer you could walk around without a bra for me." Then the husband pats her butt and says, "This is nice, but if it was a bit firmer, you could walk around without panties for me." The wife turns around to her husband, grabs his groin and says, "This is nice, but if it was a little bigger, I wouldn't need your brother."
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the priest with an unusual offer: "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the priest looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes, I do" then leaned toward the priest and hissed: "I thought we had a deal." The priest put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."
A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you." "I know," said the man, "but I can’t. My wife refuses to sleep alone."
A man went with his wife on honeymoon and they were getting undressed together for the first time. The man took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored. "What happened to your feet?" his wife asked. "I had a childhood disease called Tolio." "Don't you mean polio?" "No, tolio, it only affects the toes." Men then removed his pants and revealed an awful-looking pair of knees. "What happened to your knees?" she asked. "Well, I also had Kneesles." "Don't you mean measles?" "No, kneesles, it only affects the knees." When he removed his shorts, his wife gasped and said, "Don't tell me, you also had Smallcox!"
A husband is watching footie when his wife interrupts, "Honey, the hallway light has been flickering for weeks. Can you fix it?" He angrily looks at her and says, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E Logo printed on my forehead? I don’t think so!" "Well, what about the fridge door. It doesn’t close right." "Fix the Fridge Door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don’t think so!" "Ok", she says, "then you could at least fix the front door steps. They’re about to break." "I ain’t no damn Carpenter and I don’t wanna fix any steps," he says. "Does it look like I’ve got ACE hardware written on my forehead? I don’t think so. I’ve had enough. I’m off to the bar!" After a couple of hours at the local, he feels guilty and decides to go home and make up with his wife. As he walks up to the house he notice the steps are fixed. As he goes into the house he sess the hall light is working, and as he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Darling, how’d you get all this fixed?" She replies: "Well, after you left I was sitting outside crying when a nice young man asked what was wrong. I told him, he offered to do all the repairs and all I had to do was to either bake a cake or go to bed with him." He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?" She replied, "Helo...Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"
Bill sat alone in the hospital room at his dying wife’s beside. It was difficult to hear her above the many life sustaining devices, asher voice was little more than a hoarse whisper. "Bill darling," she breathed. "I’ve got a confession to make before I go... I... I’m the one who took the $10,000 from your safe in the house... I spent it on a fling with your best friend Jimmy. And it was I who forced your mistress to leave the community in utter disgrace. I’m afraid I also was theone who reported you to the IRS for income tax evasion..." "That’s all right dearest; don’t even give it a second thought." said Bill. "I have a small confession too. I’m the one who poisoned you."
A woman come to a doctor, with bumps and bruising all over her body. The woman complains that it was her husband, who beat her. Doctor tells in surprise: "I thought your husband was out of town." "So did I..."