The best masturbation jokes

Q: What do you call a teenage girl who doesn't masturbate? A: Liar.
Vote: has 73.64 % from 59 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: masturbation, teen
Q: What's the ultimate rejection? A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
Vote: has 73.48 % from 353 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: disgusting, masturbation
Q: The male sex has two hobbies. What are they? A: His left hand and his right hand.
Vote: has 72.56 % from 24 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: masturbation, men, sex
Got my wife a dildo and some shoes for her birthday. If she doesn't like the shoes, she can go fuck herself.
Vote: has 71.97 % from 42 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: birthday, dirty, masturbation, sex, vulgar
Dan staggers into the shower. He notices that his d**k is bright orange. He feels normal, but he's concerned and goes to the doctor. After a thorough examination, the doctor says, "You seem to be fine and all of the tests are normal. Did you do anything out of the ordinary over the weekend?" Dan says, "No. All I did was stay home, watch porno movies and eat Cheetos."
Vote: has 69.28 % from 46 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: disgusting, doctor, masturbation
Getting married is like buying a dishwasher. You'll never have to do it by hand again.
Vote: has 69.28 % from 46 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: dirty, marriage, masturbation, technology, work
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Vote: has 68.90 % from 138 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: dirty, game, masturbation, sex
Chuck Norris once wrestled a thirty foot snake, and then he realized he was just masturbating.
Vote: has 68.65 % from 235 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: animal, Chuck Norris, dirty, masturbation
A cowboy rides in the desert and comes upon a Native American lying naked with a hard-on. He asks, "What are you doing?" The naked man replies, "I'm finding out the time -- it is 12:15." The cowboy looks at his watch and thinks, "Wow, it really is 12:15." The cowboy continues and sees another Native American lying naked with a hard-on. He asks, "What are you doing?" The naked man replies, "I'm seeing what time it is -- it is 3:15." The cowboy looks at his watch and that is the correct time. The cowboy continues and finds a third Native American lying naked on the ground, masturbating. The cowboy asks what he's doing and he replies, "I'm winding my watch."
Vote: has 67.84 % from 66 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: cowboy, disgusting, masturbation, time
A boss has to fire one of 2 workers, Jack and Jill. However, Both Jack and Jill are skilled workers and he is finding it really, really difficult to pick. So after their shifts, Jack goes home before Jill does, and the boss goes over to Jill just before she gets into her car. He informs her of his dilemma. "Hey Jill, I have a problem." "Ok Boss, what is it?" she asks "I Can't decide whether to lay you or Jack off, what would you suggest?" "Well, you'd better get the vasoline, i'm going home!"
Vote: has 66.88 % from 46 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: dirty, management, masturbation, work