The best masturbation jokes

Q: The male sex has two hobbies. What are they? A: His left hand and his right hand.
Vote: has 73.52 % from 14 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: masturbation, men, sex
Q: What do a penis and a Rubik's Cubes have in common? A: The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
Vote: has 73.48 % from 35 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: dirty, game, masturbation
Getting married is like buying a dishwasher. You'll never have to do it by hand again.
Vote: has 73.48 % from 35 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: dirty, marriage, masturbation, technology, work
A cowboy rides in the desert and comes upon a Native American lying naked with a hard-on. He asks, "What are you doing?" The naked man replies, "I'm finding out the time -- it is 12:15." The cowboy looks at his watch and thinks, "Wow, it really is 12:15." The cowboy continues and sees another Native American lying naked with a hard-on. He asks, "What are you doing?" The naked man replies, "I'm seeing what time it is -- it is 3:15." The cowboy looks at his watch and that is the correct time. The cowboy continues and finds a third Native American lying naked on the ground, masturbating. The cowboy asks what he's doing and he replies, "I'm winding my watch."
Vote: has 69.85 % from 55 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: cowboy, disgusting, masturbation, time
Chuck Norris once wrestled a thirty foot snake, and then he realized he was just masturbating.
Vote: has 69.38 % from 223 votes. Send joke:

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Q: What do you call a teenage girl who doesn't masturbate? A: Liar.
Vote: has 69.28 % from 46 votes. Send joke:

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Got my wife a dildo and some shoes for her birthday. If she doesn't like the shoes, she can go fuck herself.
Vote: has 68.56 % from 33 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: birthday, dirty, masturbation, sex, vulgar
Dan staggers into the shower. He notices that his d**k is bright orange. He feels normal, but he's concerned and goes to the doctor. After a thorough examination, the doctor says, "You seem to be fine and all of the tests are normal. Did you do anything out of the ordinary over the weekend?" Dan says, "No. All I did was stay home, watch porno movies and eat Cheetos."
Vote: has 68.56 % from 37 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: disgusting, doctor, masturbation
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Vote: has 67.43 % from 128 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: dirty, game, masturbation, sex
A boss has to fire one of 2 workers, Jack and Jill. However, Both Jack and Jill are skilled workers and he is finding it really, really difficult to pick. So after their shifts, Jack goes home before Jill does, and the boss goes over to Jill just before she gets into her car. He informs her of his dilemma. "Hey Jill, I have a problem." "Ok Boss, what is it?" she asks "I Can't decide whether to lay you or Jack off, what would you suggest?" "Well, you'd better get the vasoline, i'm going home!"
Vote: has 66.77 % from 31 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: dirty, management, masturbation, work