Q: The male sex has two hobbies. What are they? A: His left hand and his right hand.
Q: What do a penis and a Rubik's Cubes have in common? A: The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
Q: What's the ultimate rejection? A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
Q: What do you call a teenage girl who doesn't masturbate? A: Liar.
Got my wife a dildo and some shoes for her birthday. If she doesn't like the shoes, she can go fuck herself.
Dan staggers into the shower. He notices that his d**k is bright orange. He feels normal, but he's concerned and goes to the doctor. After a thorough examination, the doctor says, "You seem to be fine and all of the tests are normal. Did you do anything out of the ordinary over the weekend?" Dan says, "No. All I did was stay home, watch porno movies and eat Cheetos."
Getting married is like buying a dishwasher. You'll never have to do it by hand again.
A cowboy rides in the desert and comes upon a Native American lying naked with a hard-on. He asks, "What are you doing?" The naked man replies, "I'm finding out the time -- it is 12:15." The cowboy looks at his watch and thinks, "Wow, it really is 12:15." The cowboy continues and sees another Native American lying naked with a hard-on. He asks, "What are you doing?" The naked man replies, "I'm seeing what time it is -- it is 3:15." The cowboy looks at his watch and that is the correct time. The cowboy continues and finds a third Native American lying naked on the ground, masturbating. The cowboy asks what he's doing and he replies, "I'm winding my watch."
Chuck Norris once wrestled a thirty foot snake, and then he realized he was just masturbating.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.