The best masturbation jokes

Chuck Norris does not masturbate, because there is no greater pleasure than being Chuck Norris.
Vote: has 72.05 % from 51 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Chuck Norris, masturbation
A cowboy rides in the desert and comes upon a Native American lying naked with a hard-on. He asks, "What are you doing?" The naked man replies, "I'm finding out the time -- it is 12:15." The cowboy looks at his watch and thinks, "Wow, it really is 12:15." The cowboy continues and sees another Native American lying naked with a hard-on. He asks, "What are you doing?" The naked man replies, "I'm seeing what time it is -- it is 3:15." The cowboy looks at his watch and that is the correct time. The cowboy continues and finds a third Native American lying naked on the ground, masturbating. The cowboy asks what he's doing and he replies, "I'm winding my watch."
Vote: has 70.55 % from 44 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: cowboy, disgusting, masturbation, time
Chuck Norris once wrestled a thirty foot snake, and then he realized he was just masturbating.
Vote: has 70.10 % from 192 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, Chuck Norris, dirty, masturbation
A father tells his son to stop jacking off. "You'll go blind if you do that too much!" he says. The son says "uh, I'm over here dad."
Vote: has 65.48 % from 26 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: dad, family, health, masturbation
What do you call a truck full of dildos? Toys for Twats.
Vote: has 65.19 % from 33 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: car, gay, life, masturbation
Q: What do a penis and a Rubik's Cubes have in common? A: The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
Vote: has 64.88 % from 18 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: dirty, game, masturbation
Dan staggers into the shower. He notices that his d**k is bright orange. He feels normal, but he's concerned and goes to the doctor. After a thorough examination, the doctor says, "You seem to be fine and all of the tests are normal. Did you do anything out of the ordinary over the weekend?" Dan says, "No. All I did was stay home, watch porno movies and eat Cheetos."
Vote: has 63.00 % from 24 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: disgusting, doctor, masturbation
A boss has to fire one of 2 workers, Jack and Jill. However, Both Jack and Jill are skilled workers and he is finding it really, really difficult to pick. So after their shifts, Jack goes home before Jill does, and the boss goes over to Jill just before she gets into her car. He informs her of his dilemma. "Hey Jill, I have a problem." "Ok Boss, what is it?" she asks "I Can't decide whether to lay you or Jack off, what would you suggest?" "Well, you'd better get the vasoline, i'm going home!"
Vote: has 62.22 % from 20 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: dirty, management, masturbation, work
Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate? A: Miracle Whip.
Vote: has 62.17 % from 118 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: age, masturbation, sex
The proprietor of an adult store steps out to run a few errands and leaves his employee in charge. A woman comes in and wants to purchase a dildo. She looks at the shelf behind the register. "How much for the white one?" "$10." "How much for the black one?" "$20." She buys the white one. A little later , another woman comes in and also wants to buy a dildo. After asking the clerk for prices, she decides on the black one. A third lady comes in for a dildo. She checks the price of the white one , the black one and asks about the plaid one. She makes her purchase and leaves.The proprietor returns and asks how things went. "Great! I sold a white one, a black one, and I got thirty buck for your thermos!"
Vote: has 61.01 % from 29 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: dirty, masturbation, money, women