The best masturbation jokes

Got my wife a dildo and some shoes for her birthday. If she doesn't like the shoes, she can go fuck herself.
has 58.34 % from 117 votes. More jokes about: birthday, dirty, masturbation, sex, vulgar
Chuck Norris once wrestled a thirty foot snake, and then he realized he was just masturbating.
has 58.30 % from 315 votes. More jokes about: animal, Chuck Norris, dirty, masturbation
What do you call a truck full of dildos? Toys for Twats.
has 57.54 % from 86 votes. More jokes about: car, gay, life, masturbation
The proprietor of an adult store steps out to run a few errands and leaves his employee in charge. A woman comes in and wants to purchase a dildo. She looks at the shelf behind the register. "How much for the white one?" "$10." "How much for the black one?" "$20." She buys the white one. A little later , another woman comes in and also wants to buy a dildo. After asking the clerk for prices, she decides on the black one. A third lady comes in for a dildo. She checks the price of the white one , the black one and asks about the plaid one. She makes her purchase and leaves.The proprietor returns and asks how things went. "Great! I sold a white one, a black one, and I got thirty buck for your thermos!"
has 56.76 % from 53 votes. More jokes about: dirty, masturbation, money, women
Q: The male sex has two hobbies. What are they? A: His left hand and his right hand.
has 55.91 % from 44 votes. More jokes about: masturbation, men, sex
Why did the semen cross the road? Because I wore the wrong sock today.
has 54.86 % from 78 votes. More jokes about: dirty, disgusting, masturbation
Gay translation I want a commitment. I'm sick of masturbation. Haven't I seen you before? Nice ass. I need you. My hand is tired. You're the only man I've ever cared about. You are the only man who hasn't rejected me. I'm a Romantic. I'm poor. I really want to get to know you better. So I can tell my friends about it. It's just orange juice, try it. 3 more shots, and he'll have his legs around my head. He's kinda cute. I want to have sex with him till my dick turns blue! He's not my type. He won't sleep with me. I miss you so much I am so horny that my dog is starting to look good. I had a wonderful time last night. Who the hell are you? Do you love me? I've done something stupid and you might find out. Do you 'really' love me? I've done something stupid and you're going to find out. I'll give you a call. I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again. I've been thinking a lot. You're not as attractive as when I was drunk. I think we should just be friends. You're ugly. I've learned a lot from you. Next!!!!
has 53.59 % from 268 votes. More jokes about: animal, gay, love, masturbation, ugly
Chuck Norris does not masturbate, because there is no greater pleasure than being Chuck Norris.
has 52.19 % from 110 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, masturbation
This 12 year old boy was in bed when he heard his mother moaning. He decided that he'd go see whats wrong with her. When he looked in his mothers room he saw that she was laying on her bed naked and rubbing herself and saying"I need a man, I need a man" So this quite a few times and then one night he heard his mother again, but this time her moaning sounded different, so he went to go check it out, this time instead of seeing his mother alone, he sees his mother in bed with a man. So the boy runs back to his room, strips all his clothes off, jumps on the bed and starts rubbing himself while saying "I need a bike, I need a bike"!!!!!
has 52.00 % from 188 votes. More jokes about: age, masturbation, sex
What do you call a masturbating cow? Beef Stroke-n-off
has 51.55 % from 56 votes. More jokes about: disgusting, masturbation
More jokes →
Page 4 of 6.