The best masturbation jokes

Getting married is like buying a dishwasher. You'll never have to do it by hand again.
Vote: has 65.86 % from 48 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: dirty, marriage, masturbation, technology, work
Chuck Norris does not masturbate, because there is no greater pleasure than being Chuck Norris.
Vote: has 64.35 % from 72 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: Chuck Norris, masturbation
Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate? A: Miracle Whip.
Vote: has 61.05 % from 137 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: age, masturbation, sex
The proprietor of an adult store steps out to run a few errands and leaves his employee in charge. A woman comes in and wants to purchase a dildo. She looks at the shelf behind the register. "How much for the white one?" "$10." "How much for the black one?" "$20." She buys the white one. A little later , another woman comes in and also wants to buy a dildo. After asking the clerk for prices, she decides on the black one. A third lady comes in for a dildo. She checks the price of the white one , the black one and asks about the plaid one. She makes her purchase and leaves.The proprietor returns and asks how things went. "Great! I sold a white one, a black one, and I got thirty buck for your thermos!"
Vote: has 58.87 % from 39 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: dirty, masturbation, money, women
A son and the dad are walking around on the streets. The dad stops the son and says, "Son, if you don't stop masturbating, you are going to go blind." The son says, "Dad! I'm over here!"
Vote: has 58.56 % from 21 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: age, dad, kids, life, masturbation
What do you call a masturbating cow? Beef Stroke-n-off
Vote: has 55.57 % from 41 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: disgusting, masturbation
Gay translation I want a commitment. I'm sick of masturbation. Haven't I seen you before? Nice ass. I need you. My hand is tired. You're the only man I've ever cared about. You are the only man who hasn't rejected me. I'm a Romantic. I'm poor. I really want to get to know you better. So I can tell my friends about it. It's just orange juice, try it. 3 more shots, and he'll have his legs around my head. He's kinda cute. I want to have sex with him till my dick turns blue! He's not my type. He won't sleep with me. I miss you so much I am so horny that my dog is starting to look good. I had a wonderful time last night. Who the hell are you? Do you love me? I've done something stupid and you might find out. Do you 'really' love me? I've done something stupid and you're going to find out. I'll give you a call. I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again. I've been thinking a lot. You're not as attractive as when I was drunk. I think we should just be friends. You're ugly. I've learned a lot from you. Next!!!!
Vote: has 55.17 % from 233 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: animal, gay, love, masturbation, ugly
What do you call a truck full of dildos? Toys for Twats.
Vote: has 55.13 % from 61 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: car, gay, life, masturbation
A father tells his son to stop jacking off. "You'll go blind if you do that too much!" he says. The son says "uh, I'm over here dad."
Vote: has 53.15 % from 46 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: dad, family, health, masturbation
This 12 year old boy was in bed when he heard his mother moaning. He decided that he'd go see whats wrong with her. When he looked in his mothers room he saw that she was laying on her bed naked and rubbing herself and saying"I need a man, I need a man" So this quite a few times and then one night he heard his mother again, but this time her moaning sounded different, so he went to go check it out, this time instead of seeing his mother alone, he sees his mother in bed with a man. So the boy runs back to his room, strips all his clothes off, jumps on the bed and starts rubbing himself while saying "I need a bike, I need a bike"!!!!!
Vote: has 52.48 % from 172 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: age, masturbation, sex


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