The best masturbation jokes

One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through the hills to Inverness. Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four, has a huge red beard and, despite the wind, mist, and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle. At the roadside there also stands a young woman. She is absolutely beautiful slim, shapely, fair complexion, golden hair... heart stopping. The driver stops and stares, and his attention is only distracted from the lovely girl when the red thing opens the car door and drags him from his seat onto the road with a fist resembling a whole raw ham. "Right, you Jimmy," he shouts, "Ah want you to masturbate!" "But..." stammers the driver. "Du it now - or I'll bluddy kill yu!" So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside, this doesn"t take him long. "Right!" snarls the Highlander. "Du it agin, now!" So the driver does it again. "Right laddie, du it agin!" demands the Highlander. This goes on for nearly two hours. The hapless driver gets cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, is violently aching, his sight is failing and despite the cold wind, he has collapsed in a sweating, jibbering heap on the ground, unable to stand. "Du it again!" says the Highlander. "I can"t do it any more - you'll just have to kill me!" whimpers the man. The Highlander looks down at the pathetic soul slumped on the roadside and says, "All right laddie. NOW, can you give ma daughter a lift to Inverness?"
Vote: has 60.69 % from 38 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: driving, family, masturbation, travel, women
Chuck Norris doesn't m*sturbate, he r*pes his hand.
Vote: has 60.15 % from 22 votes. Send joke:

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What do you call a masturbating cow? Beef Stroke-n-off
Vote: has 58.52 % from 27 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: disgusting, masturbation
Gay translation I want a commitment. I'm sick of masturbation. Haven't I seen you before? Nice ass. I need you. My hand is tired. You're the only man I've ever cared about. You are the only man who hasn't rejected me. I'm a Romantic. I'm poor. I really want to get to know you better. So I can tell my friends about it. It's just orange juice, try it. 3 more shots, and he'll have his legs around my head. He's kinda cute. I want to have sex with him till my dick turns blue! He's not my type. He won't sleep with me. I miss you so much I am so horny that my dog is starting to look good. I had a wonderful time last night. Who the hell are you? Do you love me? I've done something stupid and you might find out. Do you 'really' love me? I've done something stupid and you're going to find out. I'll give you a call. I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again. I've been thinking a lot. You're not as attractive as when I was drunk. I think we should just be friends. You're ugly. I've learned a lot from you. Next!!!!
Vote: has 56.07 % from 204 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, gay, love, masturbation, ugly
This 12 year old boy was in bed when he heard his mother moaning. He decided that he'd go see whats wrong with her. When he looked in his mothers room he saw that she was laying on her bed naked and rubbing herself and saying"I need a man, I need a man" So this quite a few times and then one night he heard his mother again, but this time her moaning sounded different, so he went to go check it out, this time instead of seeing his mother alone, he sees his mother in bed with a man. So the boy runs back to his room, strips all his clothes off, jumps on the bed and starts rubbing himself while saying "I need a bike, I need a bike"!!!!!
Vote: has 52.21 % from 162 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: age, masturbation, sex
How is a soyburger like a dildo? They're both substitutes for meat.
Vote: has 51.67 % from 20 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: disgusting, masturbation
Yo' mama so fat, she uses epileptic boys as vibrators!
Vote: has 42.61 % from 14 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: fat, insulting, masturbation, Yo mama
Chuck Norris does not masturbate, because there is no greater pleasure than being Chuck Norris.
Vote: has 39.32 % from 15 votes. Send joke:

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Yo' Mama is so skanky, her dildo came with jumper cables.
Vote: has 36.51 % from 16 votes. Send joke:

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Chuck Norris only mast*rbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
Vote: has 34.09 % from 17 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Chuck Norris, masturbation