The best masturbation jokes

The proprietor of an adult store steps out to run a few errands and leaves his employee in charge. A woman comes in and wants to purchase a dildo. She looks at the shelf behind the register. "How much for the white one?" "$10." "How much for the black one?" "$20." She buys the white one. A little later , another woman comes in and also wants to buy a dildo. After asking the clerk for prices, she decides on the black one. A third lady comes in for a dildo. She checks the price of the white one , the black one and asks about the plaid one. She makes her purchase and leaves.The proprietor returns and asks how things went. "Great! I sold a white one, a black one, and I got thirty buck for your thermos!"
Vote: has 61.01 % from 29 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: dirty, masturbation, money, women
What do you call a masturbating cow? Beef Stroke-n-off
Vote: has 61.01 % from 29 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: disgusting, masturbation
Q: What did the baby say as I threw it in the blender? A: I didn't catch it, I was too busy masturbating.
Vote: has 58.56 % from 21 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: black humor, dead baby, masturbation, morbid
Gay translation I want a commitment. I'm sick of masturbation. Haven't I seen you before? Nice ass. I need you. My hand is tired. You're the only man I've ever cared about. You are the only man who hasn't rejected me. I'm a Romantic. I'm poor. I really want to get to know you better. So I can tell my friends about it. It's just orange juice, try it. 3 more shots, and he'll have his legs around my head. He's kinda cute. I want to have sex with him till my dick turns blue! He's not my type. He won't sleep with me. I miss you so much I am so horny that my dog is starting to look good. I had a wonderful time last night. Who the hell are you? Do you love me? I've done something stupid and you might find out. Do you 'really' love me? I've done something stupid and you're going to find out. I'll give you a call. I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again. I've been thinking a lot. You're not as attractive as when I was drunk. I think we should just be friends. You're ugly. I've learned a lot from you. Next!!!!
Vote: has 56.88 % from 213 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, gay, love, masturbation, ugly
I hope the children will never find out why I say "oops..." so often when I vacuum their rooms.
Vote: has 56.77 % from 17 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: dirty, disgusting, kids, masturbation
Got my wife a dildo and some shoes for her birthday. If she doesn't like the shoes, she can go fuck herself.
Vote: has 56.77 % from 17 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: birthday, dirty, masturbation, sex, vulgar
Chuck Norris doesn't m*sturbate, he r*pes his hand.
Vote: has 55.71 % from 25 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Chuck Norris, masturbation
This 12 year old boy was in bed when he heard his mother moaning. He decided that he'd go see whats wrong with her. When he looked in his mothers room he saw that she was laying on her bed naked and rubbing herself and saying"I need a man, I need a man" So this quite a few times and then one night he heard his mother again, but this time her moaning sounded different, so he went to go check it out, this time instead of seeing his mother alone, he sees his mother in bed with a man. So the boy runs back to his room, strips all his clothes off, jumps on the bed and starts rubbing himself while saying "I need a bike, I need a bike"!!!!!
Vote: has 52.75 % from 164 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: age, masturbation, sex
How is a soyburger like a dildo? They're both substitutes for meat.
Vote: has 51.67 % from 20 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: disgusting, masturbation
Yo' mama so fat, she uses epileptic boys as vibrators!
Vote: has 42.61 % from 14 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: fat, insulting, masturbation, Yo mama