Autocorrect can kiss my ask!
Three couples are having a picnic. One man says to his wife, "Pass me the honey, honey." The second man says to his wife, "Pass me the sugar, sugar." Then the third man says to his wife, "Pass me the bacon, pig."
Q: If Bigamy is having one wife too much, what is Monogamy? A: The Same!
Customer to Waiter: "This is the third time I'm asking you, do you serve pigs in here?!" Waiter: "Sir Please sit down, this is the 100th time I telling you, we serve everyone here."
A man stumbles across an old lamp while he was at his attorney's office. Figuring his luck has to change, he rubs the lamp and out pops a genie. The genie explains to him that he gets three wishes, and whatever he wishes for, his wife gets double. The man asks for his first wish. "The first thing I want is a million dollars." The genie says, "Okay, but you know that your wife gets two million." The man said, "That's okay. My second wish is for a large house on a remote tropical paradise." The genie says, "Then your wife will have two beautiful houses." The man replied, "That's fine. Now for my third wish. I want you to beat me half to death."
I was sat with my wife while she sipped on her glass of wine, when she said, "I love you so much, you know. I don't know how I could ever live without you." I said, "Is that you or the wine talking?" She said, "It's me talking to the wine.
If you see me smiling, I'm probably thinking of doing something evil. If I'm laughing, I've already done it.
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. "You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I buzz you in. Come inside and elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?" "Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? "What... You're coming empty handed?"
Q: Why did my wife cross the road? A: To go back to the first shoe shop we went in three bloody hours ago.
An Air Force cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland. They were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank. The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out. When the commander berated the Airman for his slowness and promised punishment, the Airman responded: "Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I'm stationed in Greenland, and I am pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you going to do to punish me?"