The best mean jokes

Four-year-old to her two-year-old sister: "Let's play Christmas. I'll be Santa Claus and you can be a present and I'll give you away."
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has 79.34 % from 46 votes. More jokes about: Christmas, game, kids, mean, Santa
Son: "What are you going to be for Halloween dad?" Me: "Drunk" Son: "What's mom gonna be?" Me: "Mad"
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has 79.24 % from 52 votes. More jokes about: dad, drunk, family, Halloween, mean
An airman finds a barber shop near the base and goes inside for a haircut. After getting a nice, short flat-top, the airman asks how much he should pay. "No charge, son" replies the barber, "Your dedication and sacrifice in the service of our nation is payment enough." The next day, as he opens shop, the barber finds a squadron T-shirt and a thank-you note left by his customer. Later that day, a staff sergeant comes in, asking the barber to take a little bit off the sides. When the haircut was complete and the NCO reaches for his wallet, the barber again says: "No charge, sergeant. Your dedication and sacrifice in the service of our nation is payment enough." The next day, as he opens shop, he is pleased to find an Air Force hat and a squadron coin by the door, with a thank-you note. Later that day, a colonel comes in, asking if the barber can do something to cover his bald spot. The barber obliges, and when it comes time to pay, he again says: "No charge, sir. Your dedication and sacrifice in the service of our nation is payment enough." The barber comes to work the next day and finds on his doorstep... three more Air Force colonels.
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has 78.95 % from 75 votes. More jokes about: air force, mean, military, money, time
My wife told me, "Don't get upset if someone calls you fat." "You're much bigger than that."
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has 78.59 % from 18 votes. More jokes about: communication, fat, mean
Mum: "How would you describe me?" Dad: "ABCDEFGHIJK" Mum: "What does that mean?" Dad: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, funny, graceful, helpful, intelligent." Mum: "What about JK?" Dad: "Just Kidding."
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has 78.53 % from 25 votes. More jokes about: communication, mean, men, women
Q: What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? A: Beat it. We're closed.
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has 78.13 % from 55 votes. More jokes about: business, dirty, mean, vulgar
What four animals does a woman like to have in her house? A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.
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has 78.03 % from 37 votes. More jokes about: animal, car, mean, money, women
Yo mama so ugly that her mom only fed her with a sling shot.
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has 78.03 % from 37 votes. More jokes about: food, mean, ugly, Yo mama
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine... I always get better with age. The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
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has 77.74 % from 24 votes. More jokes about: age, communication, mean, wife, wine
"Honey, on this Valentine's Day, I want to tell you something... I'm not rich like Jack, I don't have a mansion like Russell, or I don't have a Porsche like Martin, but I do love you and want to marry you." "Oh, dear... I love you too... but, what was that you said about Martin?"
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has 77.74 % from 24 votes. More jokes about: love, marriage, mean, money, Valentines day
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