Me: "I love you." You: "Is that you or the wine talking?" Me: "It's me talking to the wine."
Autocorrect can kiss my ask!
There are two essential rules to management. First, the customer is always right. Second, they must be punished for their arrogance.
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman says, "I'll miss you."
A lawyer and the pope were both killed in an accident. The two were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked the lawyer his name and looked it up in his book. He then asked the Pope for his name and looked it up in his book also. "Now, if you will come with me, I will show you your eternal dwellings," said St. Peter. They walked along the clouds and came to a huge mansion with all sorts of lavish trappings. St. Peter turned to the lawyer and told him this was to be his house. The Pope, knowing how important he was to the church could hardly imagine what his house would be like. St. Peter and the Pope continued on to a small, beat-up wooden shack. St. Peter told the Pope that this would be his dwelling. The Pope, shocked, said to St. Peter, "Just a minute!" That other guy was a lawyer and he gets a mansion. I was the head of the Roman Catholic church, and this is all the reward I get?" St. Peter looked at the Pope and said "True, you have done great things. But we have lots of Popes in Heaven, and that guy was the first lawyer ever to make it up here."
Q: Why does California have the most lawyers, and New Jersey, the most toxic waste dumps? A: New Jersey got first pick.
Customer to Waiter: "This is the third time I'm asking you, do you serve pigs in here?!" Waiter: "Sir Please sit down, this is the 100th time I telling you, we serve everyone here."
My wife told me, "Don't get upset if someone calls you fat." "You're much bigger than that."
Workplaces are like septic tanks: All the biggest lumps eventually rise to the top.
Husband: "Right now, for this Women's Day, I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world!" Wife: "Oh dear, I will miss you!"